What Happened to the Fireworks?
Average Rating: 
[9 Comments]
A new lingerie shop had opened at the mall, and Joe and I stepped inside to have a look around. I found a beautiful, and seductive, nightgown. But after I'd done everything but stand on my head and whistle to try to get my husband to buy it, he abruptly ushered me out of the store.
"We're more like friends than lovers!" I blurted out. Surprisingly, Joe seemed unaffected by my harsh words as we maneuvered our way through the crowds toward more "practical" stores. "How could I say something like that to my best friend?" I wondered, mentally beating myself up for my outburst.
We've been married long enough to know the comfort that comes with routine and profound contentment. We've braved tough times, worked through some hurts and basically have a solid marriage. We are totally devoted to each other, and yet, if I had to evaluate our marriage back then, I would have said it was "made in heaven—sort of."
"Sort of," because our sex life stunk. Basically, we weren't having much, if any. Only on rare occasions (like the stroll through the lingerie store) did I wish my husband found me physically—sexually—alluring. The rest of the time I was content with our evening clutch as we snuggled next to each other for another night's rest. Night after night.
Yet standing in that store, something stirred inside me. As my fingers slid through the soft silk nightgown, I thought of my usual bedroom attire—ratty flannel pajamas. And just as I was caught up in the fantasy of swooshing through our bedroom in that alluring garment, Joe yanked me in a bee-line toward the door, obviously not sharing my fantasy. Or so I thought.
Not long after our trip to the mall, we headed north for our annual October vacation. Little did I know what Joe, who was very much affected by my words that day, had planned. My meat-and-potatoes man turned our weekend into a nonstop banquet of affection and romance. He was no longer just a friend, but again my lover. A love letter (that I will forever cherish), perfume, chocolate, giggles and a massage clearly communicated that he did find me alluring. In fact, after we checked into the honeymoon suite of a lodge in the Canadian Rockies, my husband presented me with the very nightgown I so desperately wanted. We rekindled a spark that burns brightly to this day, and we are both determined to keep complacency at bay.
Why had we allowed our love life to deteriorate to the point of celibacy? The only reason I can come up with is this: We got lazy. Love-making requires preparation and effort. It's a little like exercise—we hate to lace up the shoes, but once we've taken a brisk walk through the countryside we feel more alive. If you've been feeling more like a monk than a married person, here are a few ways to stoke the fire in your marriage.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1997, Winter
More from Cynthia G. Yates:
Kyria.com | Books
Join the Kyria.com Community!
Become a member to have access to the following:
- Full access to the bimonthly Kyria digizine, each issue focusing on a spiritual discipline or theme
- 50 percent discount on all of the downloadable resources in the Kyria Store
- Hundreds of members-only articles for thoughtful, influential women
downloadable guides
Sabbath Rest in a World of Stress
Practical insights for how to live a life that honors the spirit of Sabbath-rest.
The Mentoring Series: Nancy Ortberg
Discover leadership principles from a well-known author and respected leader.Browse More Guides
back to top
Average User Rating:
Displaying 1–5 of 9 comments
See all comments
D
C.J., (and Kurt too) your comment makes me very sad. You seem like you are a great, helpful husband. It is unfortunate that your wife doesn't seem to see that. As a wife, I can relate to your wife sometimes, with the turning the back and going to sleep. From your write up, it sounds clear that you love her. But it also sounds like it's not getting through to her. I think women often are unresponsive when they are not feeling loved. I'm wondering if reading a book like "the 5 love languages" could help you to actually target ways to communicate with your wife in a way that will get across to her that you love her. Hopefully that would open up her heart to you, which in turn may open up her body. I wish you the best. It sounds like you are a committed guy. Yet, I'm sure that your marriage is on rocky ground right now with what the two of you are facing. God bless!
C.J.
Kurt, I couldn't agree more. I have tried everything for nearly 17 years of marriage to get my wife to desire me more (I am actually in great shape for nearing 40 with no spare tire, but a little less hair). I get the kids up in the morning, bathed and ready for school, get them to bed at night, do dishes, do laundry, clean around the house, try to do romantic things for her, but all I get 99.9 percent of the time is the "good night" and the lights click out and she turns her back to me and moves all the way over to her side of the bed, where she remains. Talk about dying inside. I cut my heart out nearly every night. And when I try to bring up the subject, she doesn't understand that a husband could actually want a close relationship and that the sexual aspect is so very important to us. She actually gets mad at me and accuses me of treating her like a piece of meat, which has never been my intention. I am at my wits end and only could pray for a spouse like the author here who would actually desire and want their husband sexually. According to my wife, Mrs. Yates, you are not normal. Other wives, according to my wife, do not like sex or have very, very little of it. So I guess a good Christian guy like myself will just have to spend the rest of his married life in despair, only dreaming about what a good married life could be like. Articles like this are useless to spouses like me.
John
Too bad you'll never hear anything like this preached from a pulpit.
Aniyan Samuel
Marriage is success when each other understand and work out together.We should know what is our spouses like and dislike.Pray for each other daily for God's wisdom and knowledge.Try to understand in God's way.Sexual relationship must be strong and both should be satisfied equally with out fail.
Kurt
you can try all you want to and even use bible verses to back up any and all points of view, if one spouse is unwilling or unresponsive none of this matters
Rate & Comment on this article *