Real Sex

Sex as a Solo Act, Premarital Regrets and Questions of Infertility

Louis and Melissa McBurney

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I've been married for several years, and our sex life is pretty good. But I admit that occasionally I masturbate. Is this something that will damage my relationship with my wife?

Louis: It's clear that masturbation holds some potential dangers to your marriage. The first is if your masturbatory fantasies are adulterous. if you find pleasure in thinking about having sex with another woman, that can erode your erotic feelings toward your wife. And that's a thin-ice situation.

The second danger is in gradually replacing marital sex with self-stimulation. Some men find this a convenient way to avoid marital intimacy.

A third danger is giving your wife a feeling of being inadequate or unappealing. Many women have no inkling of how common masturbation is, and they are astonished when they discover that their husband does that.

On the other hand (no pun intended), masturbation can have some positive effects.

It can relieve sexual tension when a man and his wife have very different sex drives. It can be an alternative way to find pleasure together when intercourse isn't desirable due to advanced pregnancy, recent childbirth or a mild illness. It may also provide a hedge against unfaithfulness when your wife is unavailable and temptation presents itself.

Since you have doubts about the effect masturbation might have on your marriage, it would be good to ask your wife how she feels about it. Her response will tell you a lot.

I've only been married one year, and I love my husband immensely. But our sex life is terrible! We have sex barely once a month. This surprises me, because we had intercourse before we were married, and I had no problem getting "turned on" then. I've been to a doctor, and there are no physical problems holding us back. We know that having sex outside of marriage was sinful. Did having premarital sex ruin our married sex life?

Louis: What happens between the steamy encounters of courtship and the marriage bed is as unpredictable as the winter snows in the Rockies. Things can turn frigid overnight. Some of the sources are complex and require professional help. Others are relatively simple and easily resolved. Here are a few that come to mind:

1. Guilt or anger over having had premarital intercourse. Whether you were carried away in passion or felt coerced, there are often regrets about surrendering your virginity before marriage. This problem may require some counseling and spiritual help to come to mutual forgiveness and a sense of God's grace. It's good to remember that your sexual passion didn't surprise God, and that he still redeems sinners.
2. New discoveries about your husband. We men are often able to effectively mask our "jerkhood" during courtship. Unfortunately, those flaws become glaringly apparent in the wonder of marital togetherness. It may be pretty unromantic to crawl into bed with the same guy who smells up the bathroom. So try some lifestyle adjustments that emphasize courtesy and consideration. Also, various deodorant products may help, as will greater acceptance of the male "mystique."

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1997, Fall

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