Real Sex
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[1 Comment]Is oral sex wrong between married partners? I've talked to a couple of Christian friends about this, and the consensus is that men are generally for it, while women are generally against it. So who's right? Is there a biblical answer?
Louis: Your observation is correct. When couples don't agree on oral sex, the men tend to be the ones who are for it. But in our counseling experience, we find about as many couples who say they practice some type of oral sex as those who don't. Generally the problem is not so much with cunnilingus (the husband stimulating his wife with genital kisses) but with fellatio (the wife stimulating her husband's penis by mouth).
The wife's resistance may be explained by a variety of causes. Rarely is it related to childhood sexual abuse where she was forced into fellatio. Sometimes a wife is responding negatively to insistent demands by her husband, which feel threatening to her. Also, there is often a revulsion to the idea of oral sex because of uncleanliness and strong genital odors.
Medically, the practice is generally safe unless there are infectious genital lesions (e.g. herpes, condyloma, chancres, etc.). These call for medical treatment. However, the anal area is not sterile and should be avoided in sexual play.
Biblically, there is no clear directive. Some verses in Song of Solomon seem to suggest oral sex, and Hebrews 13:4 might imply that any mutually agreeable behavior between husband and wife is sanctioned. The Levitical laws that carry the most explicit sexual directives and prohibitions do not mention oral sex.
Melissa: Sexual intimacy is always best when it is mutually satisfying. If oral sex causes dissension, then it is destructive—especially if you're not talking openly about your disagreement. Trying to understand each other's perspective could help a lot. Find some time to talk when your emotions are not so high from lovemaking. Be as open and frank as possible. You might find that you can work out a compromise.
We've been married 12 years, and my husband has always had a problem with retarded ejaculation. He can't climax while having sex. I don't want to make the problem worse by complaining about it, but it makes me feel unappealing. The doctors say the problem is psychological, and my husband seems to resent the idea that he should see a therapist. Our marriage is great otherwise, but I'm frustrated about this. What should I do?
Louis: Assuming your doctor has ruled out the physical causes of retarded ejaculation (e.g. neurovascular disorders, drug side effects, etc.) and that the pattern has always been present, I would advise you to look at it in the context of your entire relationship. You say your marriage is "great otherwise," so the old adage "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" may apply.
If your husband is not resistant to sex, is sensitive to your sexual needs and can lovingly bring you to orgasm, I don't think the problem has anything to do with your attractiveness. The most common psychological causes of this disorder are a compulsive personality where control and scrupulosity about cleanliness may create anxiety; a fear of impregnating one's wife; or a deep-seated (probably unconscious) ambivalence toward women.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1997, Summer
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Ordelle Kemp
On the subject of oral sex, 1Co 7:1 Now, getting down to the questions you asked in your letter to me. First, Is it a good thing to have sexual relations? 1Co 7:2 Certainly--but only within a certain context. It's good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. 1Co 7:3 The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality--the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. 1Co 7:4 Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.
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