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Inhibited Lovemaking, High-Tech Adultery and Use It or Lose It?

Louis and Melissa McBurney

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Inhibited Lovemaking

My wife and I have been married three months, and she hasn't yet had an orgasm. She has certain fears of sex, and a lot of inhibitions. There are distinct boundaries that never get crossed. I don't blame her, but she blames herself. What can we do to help things get better?

Louis: Early adjustment problems are not at all unusual. Most couples have questions related to their physical intimacy. Many of the Christian books on sexuality, such as The Gift of Sex (Word) and Intended for Pleasure(Revell), can be helpful in overcoming inhibitions.

Since sexual development is such a private experience, there can be many reasons for the difficulty. It might be helpful to see a qualified counselor to help your wife work through feelings that block her orgasmic response. These can be related to early restrictive teaching that presented sex as dirty. Many women were never given the message that marital sex is a God-given gift meant for our pleasure.

Another common cause is a woman's need for her own emotional control and her related feelings of anxiety as erotic stimulation increases. The intensity of pre-orgasmic excitation can seem threatening for a woman who has learned to stay in control of her feelings. Also, guilt related to sexual fantasies or premarital experiences can create barriers to full sexual enjoyment. Of course, early sexual abuse can stimulate fearful associations. But don't let an overzealous counselor convince your wife that her problems with sex mean she was abused as a child. Such ideas may be planted by a well-intentioned therapist but often have no basis in reality.

Melissa: Sometimes worrying about having an orgasm can inhibit a woman's response. If your wife is preoccupied with orgasm, she may become too much of a "spectator." Sometimes an orgasm comes more easily when a woman stops striving for one.

If your wife blames herself, she may be suffering from false guilt. The Bible has clear instructions about how to deal with real guilt: Repent and accept God's forgiveness. But false guilt is based on notions that are not true, yet seem so real that our "hearts" worry over them. Once your wife has dealt with any real guilt, she can trust God to free her from listening to the lies (see 1 John:3:18-20). Treat your wife tenderly and accept her totally—inhibitions and all. You might also check out your expectations. Many men expect their wives to resemble the women they see in the media. Big mistake.

Louis and Melissa: It's also important to look at your sensitivity as a sexual partner.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1997, Spring

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