Where Did Our Life Go?

If you feel like your days are lived in fast-forward, here's how to hit the pause button.

Jim Killam

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If it's Tuesday, it must be tee-ball. My wife, Lauren, feeds the kids, packs the van and heads to the park. I drive there straight from work. We dine on peanut butter sandwiches and watch our 7-year-old son daydream in the outfield.

Game's over. No one knows, or cares, who won. By the time we pull both cars into the driveway, the kids are ready for a snack. Then it's baths for each one and a story before being tucked into bed. Ah, quiet.

Maybe not. Five minutes later, the kids are up again. Ben forgot to go to the bathroom. Zack wants a drink of water. Lindsey can't find her Olympic Gymnast Barbie. Problems are solved. Kids are tucked back in.

I take a quick glimpse at the day's mail. Lauren does a few dishes and makes tomorrow's lunches. The kids yell at each other, then at us. "Mom, Zack called me a dummy!"

We glance at the clock. 10:15. Forget about any daytime thoughts of nighttime romance. Maybe tomorrow night. Maybe in 15 years when the kids move out. We stagger upstairs and fall into bed. Wait! Forgot to close the garage door.

And it's not just us. This scenario, or one very close to it, is played out in the homes of most of our friends. While activities change with the seasons, one thing stays the same: There's never enough time. The question isn't "Where did the day go?" but "Where did our life go?"

Packed schedules, work stress and everyday family conflicts leave couples with little time to nurture the relationship they committed to on their wedding day. Experts talk about the need for a husband and wife to "connect" each day—to look each other in the eye and talk about meaningful things. But many are the days when the only connecting we notice is that we both go home to the same house. Meaningful conversation? Does "Goodnight, Honey. Sorry I'm so tired" count?

The situation may seem bleak, but it's not hopeless.

Rewiring the Connection

"A lot of couples genuinely want to connect, but they lack the skills they need rather than the time," says Ingrid Lawrenz, a counselor for New Life Resources in the Milwaukee area. "When they do try, they feel like they've argued instead of connected."

Boy, is that ever true. For years, Lauren and I rarely talked about truly important things—our spiritual lives or a personal struggle we were facing. When we did try to connect, invariably she'd end up in tears and I'd end up frustrated and feeling guilty. Our failure to connect was a problem of avoidance, not time constraints—though that made a convenient excuse.

For couples in situations like ours, Lawrenz suggests a change in focus. "I often hear couples say, 'We need to spend time on our marriage,' as if their marriage were a role or an institution." Instead, she recommends, think of your marriage as investing time in a person—becoming a student of your spouse.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1997, Spring

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