Real Sex
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My husband and I have been married three years. I used to have so much desire for him, but now I have no desire for sex or intimacy at all. I feel that if I even kiss or hug him, he'll immediately want to go all the way. His attitude that sex equals love has totally turned me off. How can I get back the feelings I once had for him?
LOUIS AND MELISSA: The lyrics to a sad song say, "You don't bring me flowers anymore," and they express the loneliness and disappointment we hear from many couples. The good news is that the lost sense of being "in love" can be rekindled, and once that happens the passion of sex can be reignited.
It's typical for one spouse to need and want less sexual intimacy than the other. But this difference can give rise to some terrible feelings, which open communication can help avert. Perhaps your husband dislikes feeling rejection as much as you dread feeling like a hunted animal. Many men find it difficult not to become aroused when offered any physical contact, so your husband's reaction isn't unusual. But he can control his response to you as he understands you better.
Have you talked with him about how you feel when he pursues sex whenever you express affection? As you talk about your feelings and come to understand his, you'll have a better chance of achieving a compromise. Be sure to settle this important, affection-sex issue between you, even if you need to get help from a counselor.
Once you've responded to each other's feelings about sex, the next step is to rekindle your love. Remind each other of the excitement of your early relationship. You're probably not as hormonally driven as you were back then, but there were other elements—special attention and actions of love—that you can re-create.
Also, review your relationship to identify events that may have eroded your positive attitudes toward your husband. Think about disappointments, unrealized expectations, hurtful words, selfishness or feelings of abandonment. Any of those could contribute to a growing distance—or even disgust—between you and your husband. Perhaps you had unspoken expectations that became "love tests" that your mate failed without even knowing he was being tested.
Finally, go out of your way to build up your husband. The way you think about him either enhances positive regard or reinforces negative attitudes. By focusing on good memories and your husband's good points, your sense of being "in love" will increase. Go ahead and bring flowers and sing love songs. Don't wait for your husband to change; increase your own desire by remembering the passionate times you used to enjoy together.
Warm feelings won't emerge miraculously, but the rebirth of desire can occur when good memories are restored, barriers are torn down and new acts of love replace withdrawal and despair. Even if you must begin rebuilding alone, you'll soon feel the change.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1996, Fall
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Average User Rating:
Julian
The problem with how this lady feels is that it leads into 2 vicious circles. 1. She's not interested in sex or intimacy, she says, so they probably don't have much of either. So on the not-so-frequent occasions that she kisses him and shows affection, it leads naturally to him wanting sex. It's inevitable, as they don't have enough! Maybe the answer is for her to kiss him MORE often, not less often - including some times when it can't lead to sex for practical reasons. Then he'd be less desperate for sex every time she kissed him. 2. She doesn't want sex or intimacy, so whenever he tries either it's unwelcome - which turns her off intimacy even more. Maybe it would be better for her to choose that it's a good thing for her to respond positively and to see his advances as a positive thing (at least he wants to be intimate with her). That might help her break the negative circle. The alternative - for her total disinterest to dictate - is not good. Some useful advice from L & M.
CJ
Amen, John. That's how it has been for me in my 16-plus years of marriage. Constant rejection and rarely any moments of oneness. And it's not like I don't try to be romantic or do chores around the house. And when she does come up and start kissing and hugging on me, she gets all bent out of shape if I get turned on and want to take it to the next level. It's like, "What did you expect when we rarely ever do it?" Frustration. Can't ever read articles by women who don't get the men's side of things.
John
Boy, I'd like to hear the husbands side of that first one. My bet is that he'll describe a less "desirous" wife then she lets on. My guess is that his wanting to go all the way is that they hardly ever go all the way.
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