Our Town

Get ready to enjoy the best that small-town living (pop: 2) has to offer.

by Ron R. Lee

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This doesn't get talked about much, but Adam and Eve lived in the world's first small town. I've often thought that if you were driving past Eden, enjoying the weather (which was sunny and warm and early June year round), you'd see a city limits sign announcing: "Eden, population 2. Speed checked by radar." A friendly community with affordable housing, Eden was the type of town where the two charter citizens didn't think twice about being themselves. And nearly as important, they didn't have to rush anywhere. Small towns have a much slower pace of life.

If you think of your marriage as an extremely small town, in point of fact the world's smallest, then you are primed to enjoy all the benefits of small-town living right in the privacy of your home. If you think I'm crazy (and I'm not prepared to prove you wrong), just consider the eight leading benefits of life in a town of two. After reading this you won't want to live anywhere else.

1. The world's smallest town is friendly (and portable).
Think about the last time you moved to a new city. You didn't know anybody on your street, you had to hunt around for a dry cleaners, and you lay awake at night wondering how you'd decide on a podiatrist. Lonely, wasn't it? Good thing you hadn't moved out of the world's smallest town. Marriage is nothing if not portable, so go ahead and move to Pocatello or Bettendorf, or even Duluth. You'll always have your best friend living in the same town.

2. You have a handy excuse to duck out of boring parties.
Let's say a co-worker invites you to a get-together, and you naively assume a number of your colleagues will be there. You show up and take a look around and find that you're surrounded by 15 strangers. You recognize only two people—your spouse and the co-worker/party host—and you realize you've been lured into the Death Grip of Boredom.

Happily, since you live in the world's smallest town, you already have an escape plan worked out. Breaking free from the death grip is as simple as sending out the secret "get me out of here!" signal. You catch your mate's eye from across the room by pretending to choke on a pretzel. For the more discrete, but no less desperate, party hostage, you can simply place your right hand behind your neck as you turn your head to the left. (It's similar to the Little League sign for "bunt.")

Once you've captured your mate's attention, go straight to the secret code word. You ask, firmly and with conviction, "Betty, did you see in the paper that the Ice Capades are coming to town?" The word paper tells her it's time to activate the clandestine exit plan. (And if you're not married to a Betty, feel free to use your wife's actual name.)

At any rate, your spouse gathers her things and heads for the door, and before you know it, you're explaining to your host that you'd love to stay but your wife just remembered she left the dog tethered to a weed whacker.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2007, Fall, Page 30

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