Thanks a Lot, Jane Austen
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I was completely captivated by the beauty of his words. They were tender, heartfelt, poetic. "You must know—surely you must know that it was all for you. … You have bewitched me, body and soul."
Too bad these words were written by a woman.
I'd gone to see the movie version of Pride and Prejudice with my three sisters. It was a bit strange to sit there, the only married woman of the bunch, and watch as the Bennet sisters sought their potential mates. After all, I no longer wonder how, where, or when I'll meet my husband.
To borrow a popular phrase: Been there. Done that. And frankly, I'm glad.
Glad that instead of waiting eagerly for "Mr. Right," I now can marvel at the wisdom of God's matchmaking, putting together two people who complement and challenge each other.
But being the married one of the bunch also has its drawbacks. I'd lost the ability to believe men could be romantic in the way Jane Austen penned them.
Once the film ended, it took a few minutes for me to pry myself from my seat. I wanted to bask in the glow of Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth's romance. The romance filled with words I didn't hear on a daily basis. Words that were much more romantic than, "Are the dishes in the dishwasher clean?" or "Did you get a chance to wash my white t-shirts?"
As we left the theater, I turned to one of my sisters and said, "Real men don't talk like Mr. Darcy." And that's all it took for discontent to set in. I began to examine how the romance between my husband and me had seemingly disappeared.
During our courtship and engagement, my husband, Ted, had expressed his affection with homemade cards, roses, and words that made my heart flutter. In fact, he verged on poetic. But once we got married, after two babies in two years, he was too busy putting together swings, heating up bottles, and installing car seats in our newly purchased minivan even to think about romantic gestures. And the cards, roses, and poetic words dried up.
Now my mind began to concoct other reasons for my husband's lack of romance. Could it be I'd become boring? Unattractive? Did he see me only as the mother of his children, not the love of his life? Perhaps my sweatpants and ponytail weren't as alluring as I'd thought.
I spent a few days brooding in unhappiness and doubt. Until the clouds parted and I had a revelation.
Mr. Darcy won Elizabeth's heart not with flowery words, but with actions. He salvaged her family's name and gave the encouragement that led to her sister's engagement, and it was the very living out of his love that brought Elizabeth to admit her true feelings for him. This is exactly how my husband goes about winning my heart day in and day out: with his actions. Maybe he wasn't so different from Mr. Darcy after all.
I started to pay attention to the evidence of my husband's love. It was in a fridge full of Starbuck's mocha frappuccinos. In the way he gave up his daily newspaper reading to watch our girls so I could find time to shower. In surprising me with a book by my favorite author. In painting the house so that color fills my day. It's in these displays of unselfishness, in the laying down of his wants and desires in order to bless me, that I see his love.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2008, Spring, Page 63
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faithnovee
Thank you so much for this article and for the responses as well. All is so true and encouraging. I'm 28 years old and have been married for almost five years and am learning everyday about what a good wife and husband is and what love is according to God. Thinking of the negative instead of the positive is so easy to do but sets me back emotionaly which causes a lot of turmoil between my husband and I. So I'm learning to think on the positive actions and words which makes me feel more secure and happy in my marriage. Thank you all.
Julie
I'd like to add that the romantic dinners, the romantic getaways, the flowers, the words "I love you" can be really shallow if the day to day unselfish giving of each to the other, by sharing the responsibilities of family life are lacking. I think love can survive without the flowers and romance, but it can't survive without mutual respect and caring for one another.
Mary Brown(Registered User)
Actually, those beautiful words were not written by Jane Austen. The movie script writer added his/her own touches to Ms Austen's immortal classic, I believe. I appreciate your article. You've pointed out beautifully that we will find what we're looking for in our spouse and other relationships and situations. When you focused on discontent, you found it, and when you focused on what you had to be thankful for, you found plenty of that, too. The other key point is the many ways people can say "I love you." Words are only one love language.
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