I'm Competing with His Past
Average Rating: Not rated
[0 Comment]Q. I know my husband was sexually intimate with other women before we married. At first it didn't bother me because he's now a Christian, he's been forgiven, and he chose me to marry. However, I still feel inadequate and inferior to these other women. I'm afraid he may compare me to them—even if he doesn't mean to. While I really want to leave the past in the past where it belongs, I'm having a hard time letting it go. How can I not allow this to affect our sex life?
A. Your concerns are common these days as individuals have often accumulated many memories of different partners before they settle down to marital commitment. Our society has told us that being sexually experienced will enhance marriage. Your question highlights one of the reasons that notion doesn't hold water.
Nevertheless, there you are along with many others stuck with the doubts and haunted by the ghosts of your mate's former sexual partners. So let's turn on some lights and try to dispel the goblins.
Here are two facts you need to know. First, you have no way of controlling your mate's thought life. Second, this isn't a competition in which you're living.
You've said your husband has changed as a Christian. We assume also that he's tried to reassure you about his former girl friends. What may enter his mind from time to time is something only he can control—and that with God's help. All of life's experiences become encoded into our memory banks and may at times be triggered into consciousness. That's when we have a choice to replay the old tapes or to let them go. It's just as important for you to erase your tapes about his former life as it is for him to do so. So when those doubts or images, whether real or imagined, slip into your thinking, take them captive and toss them out. Only you can control your doubts and fears.
Second, you're not in competition with anyone, especially not from his past. It seems that everything in our country becomes endowed with elements of winning. Who's fastest, smartest, richest, thinnest, most popular, prettiest, strongest, funniest, best dressed, and—especially—sexiest. We're afraid you've been caught in that trap. Your value as a person, as a wife, and as a lover isn't something dependent on any comparisons. You're it—the only wife your husband has! There's no reason for you to feel inferior or inadequate to anyone. You and your husband can exorcise the ghosts and get on with enjoying sexual intimacy that's unique and exclusively yours.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2002, Fall
More from Louis and Melissa McBurney:
Kyria.com | Books
Join the Kyria.com Community!
Become a member to have access to the following:
- Full access to the bimonthly Kyria digizine, each issue focusing on a spiritual discipline or theme
- 50 percent discount on all of the downloadable resources in the Kyria Store
- Hundreds of members-only articles for thoughtful, influential women
downloadable guides
Sabbath Rest in a World of Stress
Practical insights for how to live a life that honors the spirit of Sabbath-rest.
The Mentoring Series: Nancy Ortberg
Discover leadership principles from a well-known author and respected leader.Browse More Guides
back to top
Average User Rating: Not rated
Rate & Comment on this article *