How Often Is Normal?
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[0 Comment]Q. I think having sex once a week is fine; my wife thinks that's abnormal and that I have a problem. All her girlfriends tell her how annoying it is that their husbands want sex all the time. So she feels I don't want her, that there must be something wrong with her. I'm just one of those guys with a lower libido. I don't think sexual frequency should cause so much stress in our marriage. What do you think?
A. We receive this question of frequency a lot! It's as if there's some grand scale of "normalcy" that everyone wants to fit in. Just because you don't have the same libido as your wife's friends' husbands doesn't indicate an "abnormality." This isn't a competition. Though it's true that most men want sex more often than their wives, there's no normal frequency of intercourse. It's whatever is right for you as a couple.
We suggest that when your spouse is interested in having sex and you're not, see that as an opportunity to give her a love gift. You might encourage your wife to take the freedom to initiate sex. Even if you're not feeling "in the mood" at the time, you can give her good foreplay and stimulate her to orgasm whether you become aroused or not. She might really enjoy having all your attention focused exclusively on her sexual pleasure. Be creative in finding ways to give her the necessary stimulation. Any body part will work.
Who knows? In the process you might become aroused and find the time spent focusing on her will bring you delight. Besides, fulfilling your wife's sexual needs is scriptural. The apostle Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 that we are not to deny our mate the benefit of our body for sex. You wouldn't want her to become vulnerable toward other men. And your relationship will be smoother in all areas if she's sexually satisfied.
Are Dirty Words Okay?
Q. My husband and I use dirty words while we're making love. But we're not "cursing" at each other. While I'm aware the Bible says we should let no unclean thing come from our mouths, Jesus also said it isn't words alone that make a man unclean, but rather his heart (meaning the intention behind the words). The Bible also says the marriage bed is undefiled, and everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial. My husband and I want to make sure we're okay in every aspect of our spiritual lives. Are we biblically okay to use profanity in this context?
A. While we understand your desire to keep lovemaking fresh, we're concerned about how the street lingo became your preferred stimulus. Often the more lewd language carries hostile feelings or demeaning attitudes. If you're masking negative feelings by expressing them playfully in sex, they may wear thin and begin to allow real abrasive responses to develop. If you learned about sex in an environment that elevated the vulgar words to erotic status, perhaps that's just a conditioned response.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2004, Spring
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