"Recording Ourselves?"

Also: "His daughter's killing our intimacy", "He looks at other women"

by Michael Sytsma and Debra Taylor

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Our sex life has gotten stale. What do you think of my wife and me recording ourselves having sex, so we can watch later as part of our foreplay?

Michael: While there may not be anything intrinsically wrong with your idea, there are potential dangers. What if your child were accidentally to discover the video? Also, you'll eventually be satiated by the recording. The next step would be watching videos of someone else having sex as part of foreplay. This is clearly wrong as you're inviting someone else into your marriage bed.

I could list a half-dozen other potential dangers, but there's a more important issue. The apostle Paul warns us, "There's more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact" (1 Corinthians 6:16, The Message). You're working to enhance the physical part of lovemaking with your technique. Are you also attending to the spiritual part?

What about trying techniques that help you have more powerful emotional and sensual intimacy? Take long walks together filled with talk of your dreams as a couple, give each other a bath with sensual soap, join in relational prayer together. These techniques enrich the heart of sexuality. If sex is just about the buzz, it will definitely get stale. Enrich the heart, and the passion can grow.

DebraYou don't mention whether you and your wife have talked about your sex life being "stale." What is it that feels "stale" to you? To her? Often couples may feel this, but don't bring it up for fear of hurting, offending, or arguing with their partner. Great lovemaking at some point(s) requires good talking.

Our bodies change as we age and what "worked" before sometimes stops "working." That's the nature of growth. With a partnership, that requires talking together, exploring what's interesting, acceptable, adventuresome for one or both, and then trying options.

His daughter's killing our intimacy

Six months ago, my husband's daughter came to live with us. Now my husband has stopped being affectionate and doesn't initiate sex. What can I do?

Michael: Perception is a funny thing. The truth of what happened is important, but it's what wethink happened that we react to. This perception about the increasing distance —right or wrong —must be discussed between you and your husband. Go for a walk, take him to coffee, go golfing with him, or find some other way to connect. Tell him your concerns and ask him to hear you out, even if he doesn't think you're right.

Keep an open mind to his perspective, but gently push him to discuss your fear with you.

Debra:The only person you can change is you. So examine how you're looking at this. Are you unhappy with your stepdaughter coming to live with you, and therefore you're looking for negative differences? Is he truly less affectionate, or since there are now two ladies in the house, is his affection more divided? Do you and your stepdaughter argue and make him choose between you? Are you and your husband arguing about how she's to be guided or disciplined?

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2007, Summer

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