He Never Wants Sex!
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[5 Comments]
Q. I am coming to you completely desperate for answers. My 29-year-old husband and I (I'm 22) have been married almost a year and a half and have had sex maybe twenty times. I have tried to find information on why this is, but all I find is information on lack of female sex drive. My case is exactly the opposite. My husband never wants sex. I waited to be intimate with anyone until my husband, but he didn't. He doesn't understand the importance of this intimacy to me or how it affects every other aspect of our marriage. I am miserable and frustrated most of the time. I feel completely unattractive and disgusting, despite his constantly letting me know that it's not me and that he is very attracted to me. His actions certainly show differently. Please help me.
A. Louis: Yours is an unusual, but not unheard-of situation. We occasionally counsel couples whose pattern is like yours. There are some men who have lower libido and a once-a-month pattern for intercourse seems to satisfy their needs.
There are two considerations that are important, however—things your husband needs to consider. The most important is your sexual desire and the frustration you're experiencing. It is healthier for you to have both the release of an orgasm and to enjoy a sense of intimacy. This is true physically and relationally, and he should be providing that for you. It sounds like you've tried to communicate clearly about your feelings, but you might explore with him what his feelings are in response to your frustration. Often men feel threatened by any suggestion of their mate's dissatisfaction.
That brings up the second issue for consideration: his sexual interest and libido. There are many possibilities for his lower drive and for most males they are scary to look at. Denial is usually the first line of defense. It just doesn't feel right to a man to admit he may not be sexually adequate to meet his wife's needs. We all like to think of ourselves as real studs (whatever that means).
If he were willing to talk openly with you that would be a place to start. You can talk about your sexual histories. What were the attitudes in his family of origin? Was he sexually abused? What is his experience with masturbation? How has pornography impacted him? What premarital experiences did he have? There are many life events that can affect a man's sexual drive through guilt or anxiety. He may even have low testosterone level, which a medical evaluation would reveal.
If he's unwilling to discuss these issues with you, perhaps he has a male friend he'd risk it with. Ultimately it would be helpful for you to go together to a competent counselor. One way or the other, do something to move the situation forward. The status quo seems to be creating too much tension for you.
Melissa: This is a hard thing to bring up, but I am wondering if you need to take a good hard look at yourself. Get a woman friend to help you see if there are things about you that would be a turn-off to your husband. You said that he says he is still attracted to you, but to say otherwise would be risky for any man. Check out such things as cleanliness, odors, weight, the way you dress, your playfulness, attitudes, or anything you and your friend can think of that might be objectionable to him. Choose this friend very carefully and wisely. She should be someone you know you can trust to keep this confident. If there is no one to help you, ask the Lord to let you know what the problem is. His plan for the two of you is oneness. You can count on him to help you achieve that.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2001, Spring
More from Louis and Melissa McBurney:
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Kandess
Im glad I found this article. My husband and I have been married for 3the months and we've had sex 3 times. He's always said that sex just wasn't that important and he's promised to work on it since I explained that it didn't have yo happen all the time but I needed it more than once a month if even that. Nothing has changed. Last night I broke down and for the first time, he saw me cry. I explained how it made me feel unwanted and unloved, disgusting and ugly. I even asked if there were things I could change because it was heartbreaking to know that my husband had no desire for me. It made me question if he loved me and it made me feel unimportant. He says he doesn't know why he doesn't want to have sex. He doesn't understand it himself. He has said he plans to talk to someone though because he loves me and he can't imagine what he'd do if he lost me. He's assured me that he's attracted to me he just doesn't know why he doesn't want to have sex.
J
tried doing 2 stars, but it keeps doing 3. I don't think this is as uncommon as those of us in the situation feel like it is...i just don't think it is discussed often. Good comments by Louis, but awful advice from Melissa who basically went with the typical "it must be the woman's fault for being undesirable" route. Shame on her! Women experiencing this frustrating mismatched libido have most certainly explored those possibilities long ago and are know looking for thoughtful, intelligent information.
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Thank you for commenting on this article. When posting on either side of the debate, please remember to do so with decency and respect. Avoid insults and name calling. If you disagree, do so with clarity and without contempt. Thanks, BJ Community Manager. onlineresponse@christianitytoday.com
Laura
I want to thank you guys for this column. It's great to be able to ask these questions in a safe environment. My husband, too, has a very low need for sex, and mine is definitely more than his. Masturbation works fine half the time, but I'm really going to start praying that God gives him a bit of a shove in this area. When he's not turned on, it just doesn't happen! I've tried initiating sex many times and it always backfires. :( It can be very depressing.
Liz Long
Really awful advice! Melissa's comments were horrible.
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