Long Distance Service
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[0 Comment]Q. My Army husband was deployed six months ago. Our sex life is active when we're together. Now that we're living apart, we continue our sexual intimacy by phone and through the Internet. Is this okay?
A. You've been wise and creative to find ways to stay focused on each other during your separation. That playful, erotic exchange can keep you faithful and protect you from temptation. One indication of its effectiveness is that you become sexually aroused through those exchanges. It's normal and healthy for you to pleasure yourselves and each other through a shared masturbatory experience!
What a tribute to each other that your desire is alive and fulfilled, that you can maintain closeness even though you can't be together physically. This seems to reflect the apostle Paul's advice in 1 Corinthians 7:3, 5: "The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. . . . Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you." It also reflects the biblical principle of becoming one flesh, keeping your focus on your spouse.
Forgotten foreplay
Q. My husband's idea of foreplay and sex is taking off his clothes and lying in bed. He barely touches my breasts, and I have to be on top every time. He won't discuss trying anything different. I don't know what else to do. If I want to have sex, it's his way or no way. Help!
A. "Help" is right! One sad aspect of your husband's behavior (besides your frustration) is the pleasure he's missing. Many men enjoy variety and aren't stuck in one monotonous pattern. You must be a satisfying lover for him to avoid more foreplay.
Since he won't discuss the problem, you might get his attention some other way. Write him a letter expressing your disappointment and explaining your need for more stimulation to really enjoy intercourse. Stick with your feelings rather than complaining about his behavior. Tell him you crave more stimulation. Let him know that women have a slower response curve than men, and penetration alone is rarely sufficient to produce an orgasm. Most men also like to hear praise for their love making, so include affirmation for the times he's brought you pleasure.
A second approach would be to seduce him unexpectedly. Be assertive in your foreplay, telling him how excited you are. Maybe his arousal will give him a taste of what he's missing. Some wives we've known have met their husband at the door in a sexy negligé;e or kidnapped him from work and driven to a romantic spot. Changing the routine adds adventure to your sex. Take charge and talk about your desire for him and how great it feels when he caresses or kisses your whole body!
A third, more drastic response would be to take a sabbatical from sex until he'll listen to your feelings. We'd see that as a last resort.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2004, Winter
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