Can We Use Sex Videos?
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[0 Comment]Q. Is the use of instructional sex videotapes and books—within marriage—the same as using pornography? My wife and I have seen ads for these types of videos and wondered if they would "spice up" our sex lives—neither of us are very creative people. Could it end up harming our marriage?
A. For many individuals, particularly males, seeing videos or photos of sexual acts is erotic. Even looking at drawings can produce arousal. Some sex manuals depict unusual positions for intercourse that probably should have the disclaimer, "Don't try this at home." There is no question that these introduce a whole new level of "creativity" into sexual play that requires unusual strength or acrobatics to achieve.
There are two problems associated with using these materials: self-critical doubts and seduction into pornography and promiscuous sexual behavior.
The first of these is one that sex therapists have recognized for years. The training or therapy videos and photographs are done with models who possess exceptional bodies. Consequently, one effect of watching the models at work is feeling intimidated that your own equipment just doesn't measure up. A corollary is noticing that your spouse doesn't compare favorably either. That can create a level of dissatisfaction. You might learn some exciting technique but lose interest in trying it out together.
Books about sexuality usually have drawings rather than photographs and that reduces the risk of unpleasant comparisons. The figures are not designed for arousal as much as for instruction. It's wise to avoid those materials that are distinctly erotic. The less erotic allow the "spice" to be added by the reader. The more erotic supply the excitement, which creates a dependency on external stimuli for satisfying arousal.
The second negative effect of sex videos and photographs is their tendency to develop an involvement with pornography. As with any addictive stimuli, viewing sexually explicit material leads to tolerance. That is, it takes increasing amounts or intensity of the stimulus to produce the same result. Like a heroin addict who has to increase the dose he takes for the same high, a pornography addict will need more frequent and more tantalizing pictures to produce the desired excitement.
This danger is particularly keen in our Internet era. Pornography is simply too available. I just heard a report that there are roughy 350,000 sites on the Internet offering every possible range of pornographic material. We're convinced that this exposure is leading to increased lack of intimacy, sexually promiscuous behavior, and adultery.
These seem to be reasons enough not to experiment with sexual videos or other erotic materials to spice up your marriage bed. There are good books about sexuality written from a biblical perspective that lead to better understanding, deeper marital intimacy, and improved sexual technique without risking your relationship.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2002, Spring
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