I'm Not Aggressive Enough
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[0 Comment]Q. My husband says that I am not sexually aggressive enough. He would like me to initiate sex sometimes, but I have always been shy, and I just do not feel comfortable doing that. It is beginning to affect our marriage. What can I do?
A. Years ago we heard an insightful observation about one difference between men and women. This wisdom said, "Men are soul modest and women are body modest." That idea has helped us deal with this issue because it enables men to understand their wives' reticence to initiating sex. Most men can identify with their own resistance to exposing their innermost feelings, dreams, fears, and insecurities, even to a loving wife. Realizing the depth of that resistance and the irrationality of that attitude has helped many husbands accept the "body modesty" of their mates. This encourages both partners to work together on overcoming the fear of exposure, husbands of their emotions, wives of their sexuality.
Many factors contribute to this basic difference. One is the male hormone testosterone. This normal sex hormone is potent in stimulating sexual drive and circulates at much higher levels in the bloodstream of men. The result: Men think about and anticipate sexual interaction far more often than women.
A second factor is the cultural training of boys and girls. Girls have traditionally been taught to be more sexually reserved. The innate modesty about sexual exposure and aggressiveness often extends into the marriage relationship. Often we counsel women who not only avoid initiating sexual play but are also reluctant to ever let their husbands see them naked. That is unfortunate, since men are responsive primarily to visual stimulation.
A third gender difference affecting sexual expression is the male desire to feel potent. One way this is communicated is through his need to feel sexually wanted. I've rarely talked to a male who didn't fantasize that women have an irresistible drive for sex—with him.
So there you have it: a male with surging hormones, fragile self-confidence, and emotional guardedness, and his mate with a desire for relational intimacy, sexual reserve, and resistance to being reduced to a sex object. No wonder becoming one flesh is a challenge!
To work through this, you first need to understand that these differences are natural and give each other some grace. Then, you need to commit to change. In any marriage there are countless opportunities to show love by changing behaviors.
Try to explore the origins of your shyness, discard the negative beliefs that inhibit you, and celebrate your wonderful feminine sexuality. Women are remarkable creatures capable of intensely pleasurable sexual experiences. It is truly possible for you to find that self-acceptance of your body. When you do, it will be easier for you to give yourself in an uninhibited way.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2001, Summer
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