I Hate Sex
Average Rating: Not rated
[1 Comment]I Hate Sex
Q. I've been married now for two years, and I absolutely hate sex. It seems my mind and body are totally disconnected because sometimes my body shows signs of arousal but my mind doesn't follow. I'm so much more comfortable with friendship love than sexual love, but I know that sexual love is essential to a healthy marriage. How can I get my mind and body in sync?
A. If your body can get sexually aroused, your mind can come around. When it does, your sexual relationship will contribute much more to your overall marital oneness. The fact that you occasionally sense physical arousal indicates that your physiologic response is intact.
Our advice about your "thinking" problem is that you explore the background of your attitudes. There are many developmental byways that can create roadblocks to sexual pleasure. Probably the most common is a negative attitude about sexuality in your family of origin. Mothers who have had unpleasant experiences with sex teach their daughters that sex is a necessary evil or an unpleasant duty that women must endure.
A slightly different dynamic that is well intentioned but can engender resistances to sexual fulfillment is a message of caution and restraint. This may help a girl keep herself pure before marriage (which we highly recommend), but if the prohibition isn't removed it can easily carry over into marriage. "Good girls don't enjoy sex" is a powerful message.
More destructive and regrettably common is a history of sexual abuse. The memories of that trauma are often repressed and unconscious, but have lasting impact on the emotional response to sexually intimate situations. Avoidance of the emotional pain that's been repressed requires mental resistance that effectively shuts down motivation for sexual intimacy.
We'd recommend counseling to explore these factors that can create the disconnect you're experiencing. There is also the possibility that the problem is related to relational or sexual technique in your marriage. These, too, should be identifiable in counseling. The effort necessary to pursue the solution can be richly rewarded as your mind and body become integrated.
He Confessed He's Gay
Q. My husband of sixteen years recently confessed he had a homosexual encounter with a stranger he met at the YMCA sauna. I was shocked and devastated. He says he loves me and still finds me sexually attractive but also feels attracted to muscular, confident men with cute faces (qualities he feels he lacks). He has been in weekly counseling and wants to stay faithful, but I still feel so insecure and betrayed. Is there any hope for us?
A. There is hope for your husband and your marriage—especially since he confessed his homosexual encounter and desire to you. Many men with those issues keep them secret, which gives the behavior more power and control. The confession and vulnerability also allow you to provide support and encouragement.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2002, Summer
More from Louis and Melissa McBurney:
Kyria.com | Books
Join the Kyria.com Community!
Become a member to have access to the following:
- Full access to the bimonthly Kyria digizine, each issue focusing on a spiritual discipline or theme
- 50 percent discount on all of the downloadable resources in the Kyria Store
- Hundreds of members-only articles for thoughtful, influential women
downloadable guides
Sabbath Rest in a World of Stress
Practical insights for how to live a life that honors the spirit of Sabbath-rest.
The Mentoring Series: Nancy Ortberg
Discover leadership principles from a well-known author and respected leader.Browse More Guides
back to top
Average User Rating: Not rated
ari
I have been married for 14yrs and We have 3 kids. But I still hate having sex. I love my husband he is a good man. But we have kids now so what is the point of doing it? I a fantasy of wanting to have sex. But in real life it take a real effort just to lie there and let him do it. I even bought the "purple" pill and it didn't do anything for me. I was so disappointed I feel that something is broken. I have even thought of suicide. I have prayed to God and I still feel this way. I hate bedtime I can never cuddle with him because he will want to have sex. I don't know what to do we have mentioned divorce but we love each other. I need help,
Rate & Comment on this article *