Some Enchanted Evening!
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Ah, romance. That feeling of incredible attraction to the one you love. Where did it go, anyway?
For some of us, romance is buried under the ten loads of dirty laundry piled in the hall. Or it fizzled when he wore black dress socks with denim cut-offs around the house. Or when she met him at the door, handing off the baby and a shrieking toddler and said she was out of there.
The longer you're married, the more challenging it seems to keep romance sizzling. Yet we all know couples who do it.
"Romance is a journey, an adventure, a story you create from the time you get married to the time you go home to be with the Lord," says Gary Stewart, author of The Marriage Marathon (Kregel). But sometimes the journey hits a dead-end and neither of you has a road map back to the romance highway.
The Romance Killers
So just when you thought you were running at full tilt down the romance highway, you come to a screeching halt. What went wrong? In his book, Your Love and Marriage (Revell), Willard F. Harley, Jr., who has counseled more than 5,000 couples and hosts the Marriage Builders website (www.marriagebuilders.com) identifies five "Love Busters" that are guaranteed romance killers. Harley finds that angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, selfish demands, and dishonesty can all kill a romantic moment quicker than a popsicle melts on the sidewalk in July.
Annoying behavior also rates as one of Harley's five Love Busters. Something as simple as not replacing the toilet paper on the roll or chewing ice in public can be a romance killer if it is a habit that really bugs your spouse. Joe Beam, author of Becoming One (Howard) agrees, saying, "It's amazing how little things can destroy a relationship. They may be minor things, but the other person feels disrespected."
Sarcasm or making your spouse the target of a joke will guarantee that things will be chilly around your house for a while. But hands down, words at the wrong moment are the worst culprit. Finances, bringing up past conflicts, talking about the kids—all rank high in topics that kill romance quicker than Road Runner sends Wile E. Coyote off a cliff.
You're snuggled up on the couch watching an old Clark Gable movie, and your husband wraps his arms around you and whispers in your ear. "Did you pay the gas bill?" Or, he's lined up a sitter and taken you to your favorite five-star restaurant, and you murmur, "I hope that apple juice helps Beth's diarrhea." Words can make or break a romantic moment.
Comparisons leave just as much roadkill on the shoulder of the romance highway. Men often find their wives comparing them to other husbands. "And guys hate to be compared with other men, because they are so competitive," explains Joey O'Connor.
Mayday! Mayday! Romance killer in progress. What do you do?
Some couples, like novelist Jane Kirkpatrick and her husband, Jerry, use visual cues to signal that a romance crusher has been sighted. When either of them raises a finger, the other takes a deep breath and redirects the conversation for the moment. Other couples have key phrases or words that serve as a signal to the spouse that a romance killer is on the way. A humorous word or phrase can keep things from disintegrating into an argument during a tense moment. For example, one couple uses the phrase land the plane whenever inappropriate topics come up during the wrong time. It breaks the ice, and they laugh and steer the conversation in a new direction.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2000, Fall
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Dale Labrum
Nothing spells romance like looking at paint chips at Lowes for my wife. She's an artist and color means a Loy to her (even if painting the front room is the last thing I feel like doing). Great article with good insights, thanks!
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