Keeping Love Alive
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Flip open a magazine, turn on your television, or go online, and sooner or later you'll be confronted with an ad, commercial, or e-mail for Viagra, that "little blue pill" that enhances sexual performance. Although marketing for drugs to overcome sexual dysfunction crops up everywhere, the topic remains a sensitive one. And for couples struggling with impotency, it's a very real and heartbreaking problem. In a recent poll on our website (Todays ChristianWoman.com), we asked how many of you have dealt with this issue in your marriage. To our surprise, 46 percent responded "yes" to this informal survey. We hope this candid story will provide insight and comfort to others in the same situation.—The Editors
What happens if sex is suddenly removed from the marriage equation?
Fourteen years ago, that happened to us. At 47, my husband, Phil*, lost his ability to perform sexually. Years of medications for Type 1 diabetes and poor blood-sugar control had combined to take away this one area of marriage that had refreshed our love regardless of life's circumstances. At 46, I no longer could have sex with my husband.
Initially, Phil's ability to maintain an erection became briefer. He mentioned this change to his physician, who explained how diabetes affects blood flow to the body's extremities, including during sexual arousal. He mentioned we could consider medical options such as the use of a vacuum device, injections, or a penile implant. Since we still were able to have a measure of sexual satisfaction, we chose to ignore what we perceived as mechanical intrusions into our lovemaking. Several more months passed—then came the night when Phil was completely unable to have intercourse.
After several more failed attempts, we talked awkwardly about the devices Phil's physician had mentioned. We both superficially reacted with comments about how silly we'd feel using them. We hadn't learned to communicate honestly about our deep sorrow over the impending loss of our sex life. In retrospect, perhaps we dismissed professionally assisted treatments too quickly, and we certainly wouldn't rule them out for others dealing with erectile dysfunction, or ED.
Phil soon began avoiding any sensual contact with me because it brought his sense of loss to the forefront. If he kept a safe distance from me, he figured he wouldn't have to face his inability to finish something he might have started. I mistakenly interpreted this lack of touch as a sign of his losing all sexual interest in me. I began to feel more like Phil's sister than his wife. While Phil's avoidance strategy protected him, at first it brought nothing but painful rejection to me as a woman. I felt isolated.
Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 2004, May/June, Vol. 26, Issue 3, Page 66
Related Topics:
Marriage, marriage, stages of, sex, sex drive
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B
Thank you!
S
Thank you for your honesty in this article. Hubby & I have been dealing with ED for over 10 yrs started in our early 30's ... but the pills never helped either & have been off & on insurance ... now in our mid-40s, still trying to get him to talk about it and us and intimacy is like pulling teeth ... sigh... but I keep hoping ... praying it's not all lost yet ....
M
wow, this really was a touching story.
John Wheeler
I'm sad they didn't move into what Dr Rosie King calls 'outercourse', the suite of satisfying sexual activities that do not require erections. They are not as deeply satisfying emotionally as intercourse can be but they do provide mutually satisfying sexual interaction. Many wives in fact prefer to be brought to orgasm by caressing and appropriate stimulation. The great majority of men can achieve orgasm despite being unable to have either erection or ejaculation providing their spouse has learnt the stimulation they need. Most couples can continue to be satisfyingly sexual with each other for decades after diabetes or prostate disease or medication etc have caused impotence. Good communication and a good lubricant are the keys!
jenna
Wonderful article. True Love and intimacy isn't just about sex.
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