Thriving In a Stepfamily
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"Being a stepmom is much more difficult than I imagined," Nancy, a stepmom of four years shared with me. "Since my husband and I are excited about our marriage, we assumed the kids would be happy too. But they're really struggling and I'm not sure what to do."
As a stepmom of more than 24 years I understand her concerns. A few months into my second marriage I was discouraged by the complexities associated with being a stepmother of two boys aged 11 and 13. Learning how to function in a blended family has been a process for all of us. Along the journey we've discovered a few insights on how to succeed as a stepfamily.
Stepfamilies are Formed Out of Loss
According to research an estimated one-third of children will live in a stepparent home before the age of 18, and 50 percent will have a stepparent at some point in their lifetime. Whether death or divorce has disrupted the biological family, children often wrestle with the adjustment. The family unit typically provides a child with safety and security. However, the death of a parent or a family divorce is likely to induce insecurity and fear in a child's life. Nancy continues to explain, "After my husband and his former wife divorced, his kids moved to a different neighborhood plus had to change schools. They attend a new church causing them to lose good friends and a familiar routine. All of this loss has caused them to be angry and sad, and I'm an easy target for their grief."
It's not uncommon for Christians to falsely assume that a stepfamily formed due to the death of a parent is easier on the children than a remarriage after divorce. However, all loss is painful. Kids who are grieving often display frustration, depression, or belligerence. It's crucial for a stepparent to understand how loss can shatter dreams and instill long-term anxiety.
A Healthy Stepfamily Takes Time
About 75 percent of those who divorce will eventually remarry. However, one of the most common misconceptions about stepfamilies is that everyone will bond quickly. "If I had this to do over again, I'd wait to remarry," Don states. "My wife and I both brought children into this second marriage. During our six months of dating everyone got along great, however once we got married that all changed. It's been three years and the children still resent the new family dynamic." Stepfamily expert Ron Deal shares, "The average stepfamily takes seven years to integrate. Parents want to believe their kids will be okay, thus the power of hope blinds couples to the realities of stepfamily integration." Many couples enter a remarriage without understanding that the kids may struggle or battle against the marriage. When parents attempt to rush or force a bond between stepchildren and stepparent, it creates tension and sets the marriage up for failure.
Related Topics:
parenting, Relationships, Difficult, Respect, Stepfamily, stepparenting
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Janet
Christians would not have these issues if they followed God's Word on divorce and remarriage. There are 8 scriptures that specifically say remarriage is adultery. If you end up divorced, scriptures say to stay single or be reconciled. Those in remarriages that God calls adulterous need to repent and get out of those marriages immediately. Scriptures say that adulterers will not inherit the kingdom of God. Shame on the pastors and churches for leading God's people astray.
FAS
As a child of divorced and now "blended families," they're not blended but broken; held together with bubblegum and toothpicks. Christ have mercy upon us.
Sanya
I am at the end of my rope. My youngest son is still at home and he is having a hard time finding and keeping a job, he is 19. My husband is constantly on me about things he is doing and eating. I have asked my husband to talk to him as a man but he says "you made this monster now you deal with it". Him being the man and husband of the family. I need some help.
Don
This is good in formation and it is something that I am trying to tell my wife. My ex recently gave us custody, a battle that we have been in for years. My ex is now a convicted thief 3x over. My daughter is having issues listening to my wife when I am at work. She is only 7, but is making it difficult for my wife to be nice. I have told my wife that she and I need some time together alone from time to time to reassure her. The problem is when me and my wife are on the couch, my daughter has to stay on the other couch unless me, my wife, her son and my daughter are all together as one. I can only spend time with my daughter only if I have proven that I have spent that time with her son. I am frustrated at this. Please advise.
Debbie Jansen
I love this article. I teach a class on Blended families and I love the fresh insight in this article. I can't wait to purchase Laura's book. debbiejansen.com
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