Twelve Steps to Change
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"Hi, my name is Taylor* and I'm a grateful member of Al-Anon."
Once a week, I say those words. And after two years, I am still floored by that statement and by the truth behind it.
I dragged myself into Al-Anon after 10 years of trying to figure out my husband's drinking, after 13 years of a difficult marriage. A couples' counselor recommended Al-Anon moments after I almost hyperventilated from a temper tantrum. "You might benefit from Al-Anon," he said gently, the understatement of the century. I did not want to go. I did not think I needed to go. I'm not the one with the problem, I told myself, and my husband, and our counselor. He needs to go AA, I thought. I do not need to go to Al-Anon. But I went. And it changed my life.
Some things I absolutely must stress. I am a Christ-follower. So is my husband. We already were Christians when we got married. And we've been attending a great church for years, both of us very involved.
At the same time, my husband is a functioning alcoholic. And until about a year ago, I was a non-functioning co-dependent. I wouldn't have admitted it before Al-Anon. I wouldn't have seen it in myself. But I was doing many things to encourage this addiction and to break my husband's spirit, completely unaware and feeling completely justified. Co-dependency defined as simply as possible is this: addiction to a person and/or that other person's problem. A co-dependent is someone who thrives unhealthily, even unknowingly, on helping others and on being needed. I came to realize that I obsessed about my husband and our difficult marriage in much the same way he would obsess about his next drink. And it finally dawned on me that if anything were taking over God's rightful place in my mind and heart, I needed to look into my part in our dysfunctional dance.
I share my story because I believe the enemy is the only one who benefits from secrets. I think many women out there are suffering in silence, just as I did all those long and lonely years. And I want to be a voice who says you are not alone. There is hope.
Our relationship was bumpy before we got married, but alcohol was never an issue. Though I had an idea that arguing would be a normal part of our marriage, I never dreamed I'd be tracking how quickly vodka was consumed, looking for receipts in our garage, or following him to see if he were going where he said he would. But that is the life I lived for over 10 years.
I remember the first alcohol-related disappointment I had in my husband. One night, with our newborn son, we were celebrating Christmas with my in-laws during a blizzard. My husband drank too much, and my sister-in-law pulled me aside and said I had to be the one to drive us home. I hate driving in blizzards, let alone for over an hour, and our baby was in my care. "Take care of your wife and your baby, for God's sake!" I wanted to yell at my husband. But instead I just drove us home, crying the entire way.
Related Topics:
Addiction, Addictions, Alcohol, Alcoholism, Marriage, Difficult, Recovery
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Wilma
Thanks so much for this article. My journey in Christ really began in the fellowship of Nar-Anon. It was the step that required me to turn my will and life over to God that changed my life. I have a wonderful relationship with Jesus and have developed life long friendships as a result of this fellowship. And my husband is clean and sober today after 16 years rehabs and relapses, to God be the Glory.
Mamacraniac
Thank you for sharing. I am planning to attend my first al-anon meeting this week.... just to listen and ask questions. I have concerns about my husbands drinking patterns.
T
Thank you for your story. I too struggle with an alcoholic husband. He has been to rehab twice and I think we are FINALLY starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel...for now anyway.
J
It is my son's birthday today. My husband has gone 'grocery' shopping. I am terrified that we will come home intoxicated and humiliate my son in front of all his friends. I will not say anything - I have also learnt that this is futile and just stirs up anger and aggression.I am praying and will continue to pray - He is my refuge and my strength.
Blondie
My husband is probably a dry drunk. He cheated on me for 2 years and refuses counseling, and refuses to talk about it. Asking questions evokes rage in him. He feels horribly guilty. But no transparency, at all. He walks around the elephant. I resent him for not admitting it. He still lies to me. This is destroying us.
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