A True Anniversary Celebration
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Last night for our anniversary Aaron and I went to Marché, a French restaurant that we used to go to years ago but hadn't visited in ages. Marché serves the best steak frites I've ever had, with perfect little cups of béarnaise and red wine sauce. The restaurant is part Moulin Rouge and part Alice in Wonderland, deep reds, blues, and golds, with umbrellas hanging from the ceiling and super-oversized drum lampshades.
For the first couple years, it seemed like anniversaries were a little like birthdays when you're in your mid-20s—seriously, it's an accomplishment to just stay alive another year? We get to go out for a fancy dinner just because we stayed married? I like a fancy dinner as much as the next girl, but it seemed like a lot of fuss for just making it through.
That's what I used to think, before several good friends' marriages ended, before I experienced firsthand just how difficult marriage can be, before we faced our hardest season yet by far. I wouldn't say we have a hard marriage, but I'd say we had a really hard season. This year, we understand that staying married is indeed an accomplishment, and that staying married well—connected and intimate and giving—sometimes requires every last thing we have to give.
If you've been married long enough, and if life has been hard enough, if you're very honest, you've had tiny, nearly invisible moments when you look over at that person, watching TV or getting a glass of water and you think, Who is this person? How did we get here?
You never feel this on your wedding day. You can't even imagine it on your wedding day. But life invades, and brokenness, immaturity, and sin invade and all of a sudden, there you are, and you start to believe that you might not ever be able to get back to where you were, all shiny and perfect and bursting with love, on your wedding day.
What does it mean that neither of us can remember what we did for last year's anniversary? I even checked the calendar on my computer—the day is blank. I think maybe we went to Rose's or The Green Well, but it certainly didn't impress itself deeply on our minds. We could tell ourselves it was because we were just moving back from the lake, a month after the miscarriage. We could blame it on the fact that the week of our anniversary, we had our kitchen torn apart, had the world's largest garage sale, and still didn't know if we were moving to Chicago or not.
But you don't forget anniversary dinners because things are busy. You forget anniversary dinners because you both know that you didn't have much to celebrate that year. And thankfully, blessedly, this anniversary feels really different from the last. We're back this year, back to the connected, rich way of living we'd experienced up until the last season, and we're glad to be back. We've weathered something, and it's added a layer of sweetness, appreciation, depth to our life together.
Related Topics:
Achievement, Celebration, Challenges, Conflict, forgiveness
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Dee
I'm so glad I read this article, very well written. Our 7th year anniversary is coming up this weekend and after reading this, I know that our rough edges are still being sharpened. I've learn to die for myself through acceptance and forgiveness. I really thank God for transforming to the person I am today because without Him, I would have just tossed out the white flag. Because of His mercy and grace, I know that this marriage will last a lifetime. Thank you and God bless!
Karen
Beautiful, thank you, coming up on 8 years of marriage this month. Glad to know we are not the only ones doing real life.
anon
I can't even imagine what that kind of marriage would be like. It makes me cry. Is there really such a thing? Marriage where people love and don't worry about the other one leaving until he does; marriage where someone says I'm sorry instead of "I'm going to make you promise me you'll never leave the cabinet door open again." And then that brings the next question, why you and not me? Even 30 years can't take away the hurt and pain that the word marriage means to me. Thank you for committing to work on your marriage and showing people that it can be done and how beautiful it can be.
Laverne Helfert(Registered User)
Great article. It gives me hope. When I married my husband I didn't know about his silent partner. His temper. It can flare in a split second and it takes everything in me not to respond in anger. He has and can say some hurtful things while angry. We've only been married for 2.5 years and I've learn something new about my husband each day. When we first got married we had to learn to adjust to each other. We had to learn not to take each other so seriously. Things that use to stress me out I can now laugh at and so can he. Marriage is a long slow dance. At least it feels that way to me. God is our center and I honestly don't know how anyone can be married without God as your center. The temptation to say and do hurtful things is so strong. We are still learning each other and I'm looking forward to what tomorrow brings. God and lots of prayer make all the difference in the world. Thanks for sharing Shauna. God bless you and yours.
joanne Hordyk
My beloved and I are charting 32 years this summer and confirm (with 4 thumbs up!) the gem of wisdom found in the book Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas "What if God's primary intent for your marriage isn't to make you happy....but holy?" Shauna's article is spot on and what a great gift to have learned that perspective so early into her marriage! We know from the scriptures that marriage is the mysterious rubric whereby we are refined and shaped for all eternity together. What a thought to think of my husband as also my brother in Christ...truly an everlasting relationship! "Whether it is delightful or difficult, your marriage can become a doorway to a closer walk with God, and to a spiritual integrity that, like salt, seasons the world around you with the savour of Christ." Mustering through (anticipating even!) the difficult seasons with this focus is richly rewarded with a beauty & depth to the delightful moments that we wouldn't trade for anything else in this life. Grace to all!
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