Till Bedtime Do We Part
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The bed shook. My eyes popped open in the dark. I lay still, hopeful that I could fall back to sleep. Just as my lids closed, a quick jerk roused me again. Then a three-stage snore ripped through the silence. Exasperated, I threw back the covers and headed for the guest room.
Tempted to stomp across the hall, I tiptoed instead. Even though my husband's sounds and motion prevented a restful night for me, I didn't want to wake him. No sense in both of us stumbling around in a fog at work the next day. He snored peacefully … and loudly, unaware that I'd left our bedroom yet again.
During 20 years of marriage Jerry and I slept most nights in the same bed. However, his snoring and restlessness increased over the years. In addition, I experienced more difficulty staying asleep, even if he was still and quiet. For two long years I'd move to another bed every night after about one hour's sleep. That's when I departed to a more tranquil environment. After tucking myself in bed, I might lie awake for another hour or two. I grew weary, angry, and frustrated but still hesitated to suggest separate bedrooms. I didn't want to hurt his feelings or cause him to think that my love for him was fading.
Finally I couldn't continue in a sleep-deprived state any more. I brought up the subject one night at dinner.
To my surprise my dear husband said, "I know you need your rest. It's okay." No signs of defensiveness or hurt.
"Of course, we'll have dates," I said. He raised his eyebrows and smiled at our code word for sex.
That night I kissed and hugged him and walked into my own bedroom. I read a few minutes and then drifted off to uninterrupted sleep. Jerry slept better with our new arrangement also. If he got wide-eyed in the middle of the night, he could turn on the TV and let it lull him back to sleep. Separate bedrooms made sense for us.
We're not Alone
When I mentioned this arrangement to others, I discovered that we weren't alone. Several friends enjoyed solid marriages but simply couldn't sleep with their spouses. It went beyond my circle of acquaintances. The National Sleep Foundation Survey of Women in 2007 found that 24 percent of women don't sleep with their significant other. The National Association of Home Builders observed a trend toward separate bedrooms. It predicted that 60 percent of new upscale homes will have two master bedrooms by 2015.
My friends told me their reasons for sleeping apart. In my unscientific survey, a spouse's snoring seemed to be the number one reason, regardless of age. Health also caused need for different sleep accommodations. Three friends or their spouses developed back problems and slept in recliners for relief. Hot flashes parted one woman and her husband so at least he could sleep. Also, two family members had opposite work schedules that required different sleep schedules.
Related Topics:
Adjustment, Relaxation, Rest, Sleep
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Dee
My husband moved out of our bedroom 17yr ago. He just got up one night and never returned to our bedroom. He sleeps in my sons old room. It has caused me heartache and abandoment issues.. If I bring it up he just doesn't acknowledge that anything is wrong.... No cuddling no hugging....The rest of the time he is kind and considerate tells me he loves me but I can't get it out of my heart or head that he just doesn't want to be with me. I have prayed about it for a very long time. Thanks for listening...
Tom
This is a very good article, it solves and help young couple solve some myth. Some traditions says whatever happens not separate beds, if head just report to grand mum the husband will be in trouble. The article makes it clear that on mutual understanding the problem can be solved by the two of you, without the marriage get on rocks. Please keep on the right job.
Sky
Yes, Kate, I have the perfect solution - get separate hotel rooms. Ok, just joking. Seriously. This article was probably the most depressing thing I have read today (and I read lots of news stories as well).
Jason
My wife and I struggled with my snoring for years. A diagnosis of sleep apnea after a sleep test and a simple CPAP maching solved the problem. I sleep like a baby with my wife only hearing a small humming of a machine (which sounds like a fan). We cuddle, sleep and enjoy embraces throughout the night. Sleep apnea does have not equal sleep apart.
Covkid
Thank You from the bottom of my heart and Praise God because I really needed to read this today. My dear husband of 36 years has sleep apnoea and slept on the sofa last night because of the snoring! It's been a problem for a while and I've been feeling so guilty about the separate bedroom issue. Now I know I'm not alone and 'normal'. x
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