Real Love, Real Sex: Team Players
Average Rating: 
[15 Comments]
My husband loves to play sports, but it eats up a lot of our family time. Do I have a right to demand that he quit?
I used to watch my husband, Greg, play on a men's softball team, but eventually I stopped and just stayed home with the kids. Then softball began to feel like his "mistress" so I insisted he quit, failing to recognize how it kept his physical, mental, and emotional batteries charged. He soon withered and became more stressed over work, which negatively affected our marriage. He was snippier toward me and the kids. He just didn't seem as loving or "there." I regretted my demand once I realized the ripple effects it had.
We talked it over, and Greg now plays basketball during his lunch hour so he doesn't take away from our family time.
Obviously, a man's love of sports (or any other recreational hobby) can grow out of balance to the detriment of his family. But before throwing out demands, consider three things:
- Don't take it personally. Even though it may feel like it, chances are, he's not trying to escape his family responsibilities. Just as women need social outlets or shopping excursions or a quiet moment at a coffee house, men sometimes need more than just work and home to thrive.
- Inspire vs. require. Demanding more time will make him defensive. Instead, creatively inspire him to spend more quality time together by suggesting activities you both enjoy.
- Create a balance. Compromise on the amount of time each of you spends doing your own thing. For example, divide the four Saturdays each month—one for him, one for you, one as a mini marriage retreat, and one as a family day. Everyone comes out a winner.
Remember, when you encourage him to do the things he loves and is energized by, he'll most likely return to you with a greater desire to connect with his biggest cheerleader.
When He Has a Headache
My husband isn't interested in having sex any more. What's wrong?
Depressed male libido has become a commonly reported issue. Several explanations are possible:
- As a man enters his 40s, 50s, and beyond, his libido often declines but doesn't usually diminish altogether. If he isn't ready for Medicare, this probably isn't the only issue.
- Women aren't the only ones who need to feel safe, secure, and emotionally connected to feel sexually aroused. So do men. If a wife repeatedly rejects or criticizes her husband, she will extinguish his flame, and it takes more than simply offering sex to re-light his fire. Offer unconditional love and acceptance first. Draw his heart toward you, and his body will more than likely follow.
- Has your appearance changed significantly? While it's painful to consider that our looks, hygiene, or frumpy wardrobe may be diminishing a husband's sex drive, God created males to be visually stimulated. Most men's sexual appetite is tied to the images he sees. That doesn't mean wives have to look like Barbie dolls or supermodels, but we can't let ourselves go either. Striving to look better (regardless of your size, shape, or age) will also help you feel better.
Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 2009, May/June, Vol. 31, Issue 3
More from Shannon Ethridge:
Kyria.com | Books
Join the Kyria.com Community!
Become a member to have access to the following:
- Full access to the bimonthly Kyria digizine, each issue focusing on a spiritual discipline or theme
- 50 percent discount on all of the downloadable resources in the Kyria Store
- Hundreds of members-only articles for thoughtful, influential women
downloadable guides
Sabbath Rest in a World of Stress
Practical insights for how to live a life that honors the spirit of Sabbath-rest.
The Mentoring Series: Nancy Ortberg
Discover leadership principles from a well-known author and respected leader.Browse More Guides
back to top
Average User Rating:
Displaying 1–5 of 15 comments
See all comments
Loris
What about the situations when sports keep the husband away from the marriage bed? We want to have a baby, but he does Taekwondo nearly every weeknight and all morning on Saturdays. When he's not kicking teenagers (TKD), he's parked in front of the computer. Our sex drives are pretty equal, so we're both feeling a little deprived, but he won't cut back on any of his activities. It's kind of hard to get pregnant when one's husband isn't home much.
mary
It is good to hear that. Men naturally love sex. my hus one day told me that even if he is sick, the right medicine for him that i should give is sex, so i believe lady's should understand what kind of a relief sex is to a man. God bless all lady's as they give to their husbands.
nizamkjsl@gmail.com
truelove forever
Susanna
Isn't marriage about tenderness? Ours is...
Anonymous
WOW!! I am really surprised at how it seems to be just bashing on men and THEY need to realize that marriage is a covenant.....what about the women in these marriages who are not honoring their husbands? I feel that it is very important for me as a wife to honor my husband with my time and my energy. He is supposed to be more important than my friends, or even my children. We need to be a team! I can honestly say I have never turned my husband down for sex, and I will admit that there have been times when I have not "felt like" having sex at the time, but I consider it a gift to him (and never tell him I don't feel like it) and do it, and I am always glad that I did, once you get into it, you forget about all the other stuff that you have to get done. The laundry can sit for a bit, it will be there whe your done! to the woman who said that her husband won't go to counseling and yadayada, have you gone to counseling? a lot of times a change in yourself will bring a change in him
Rate & Comment on this article *