A One-Way Turn Around ...
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"I looked at every card in the rack. I just can't buy my husband a 'husband' card for his birthday. I don't feel like any of those cards." I sighed and turned from my friend Alene's sweet face to examine the ceiling. "I don't even know him any more. He works late, goes to bed early, and leaves before I get up. We never talk. We never even see each other."
Alene lifted my chin with her finger tips. "You should stop acting like you feel about your husband and start acting the way you want to feel," she said. "After all, love isn't a feeling. Love is an action. And how we feel flows from the things we choose to do." She patted my back. "Start doing kind, loving things for your husband, and I guarantee you'll begin to feel kind and loving toward him. I suggest you buy a card that expresses how you'd like to feel. Pick one that says everything you hoped for your marriage when you walked down the aisle."
I shared my frustration with Alene because she and Karl had been married 48 years, and she was the most together person I knew. I'd determined I would never leave my husband, and I knew I didn't want to settle for a lonely marriage. So despite my misgivings about being insincere, I followed her advice. I bought my husband a romantic birthday card, and I started buying him other passionate cards several times a week and leaving them on his pillow.
Within months, my feelings did change. Words are powerful things, and the words in those cards changed us both. This exercise had me thinking about my husband's positive qualities, and the kind words had him feeling respected and encouraged. He started coming home earlier and staying up later. He became attentive and tender. He hugged me from behind as I cooked, ate with me at the table rather than in front of the TV, squeezed my hand as I reached for his empty plate, and followed me to the kitchen again. We talked. We grew positive and hopeful. I even started getting up early to have coffee with him before he left for work. I learned from this experience that I could change my marriage.
Do Unto Others
One party in a marriage can change the relationship even if the other party is unaware of the attempt. Even a stubborn person often responds to changes a willing partner makes, and as a result changes too. It is cause and effect.
But most struggling couples are stuck in a stand off. Trapped in a test of wills, each waits for the other one to change first. Someone has to make the move. Someone has to choose to be everything their spouse needs them to be rather than yearning for their spouse to be everything they need.
A friend recently said she thinks her husband loves her but doesn't like her. She doesn't think he's her friend. Sharing the same kind of wisdom that Alene shared with me, I suggested if she wanted her husband to be her best friend, she should start treating him as if he already was her best friend. We talked about how you share your dreams and longings with best friends, how you hold nothing back. She said she was afraid he wouldn't like the real her. She felt insecure, so she protected herself and refused to be transparent. He knew she was holding back. He felt rejected, responded defensively, and they stayed stuck.
Related Topics:
Marriage, Difficulty in, Patience
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Marian Williams
Ms. Van Zante, I challenge you to come up with a suggestion that doesn't always involve me doing more. Obviously, I am in a bad place right now. However, is there ever a time when we just have to call it quits? My husband is great in every one else's eyes. He's a minister and we both knew Christ when we got married 15 years ago. However, we were and are still unequally yoked. There is more to being a good husband than working and not being abusive. Although I acknowledge many faults, he just dismisses his as "who he is." If we haven't been able to overcome our intellectual and socio-economic family of origin problems in this time, I feel pretty doubtful that we can. I can accept that maybe I wasn't marriage material. Whatever the case, I definitely married the wrong person. My daughter is the only light in this situation.
DLN
Thank you so much for this article. I have been married for 14 yrs and am trying to decide if I want to stay in my marriage after my husband had an "emotional affair" 2 years ago. Every time, I'm about ready to give up, I come across something like this that gives me encouragement and hope. Praise God for He is Good!
A C
Thank you for the beautiful article. My husband and I are going through a very rough period, but I know that I need to take steps in my life and apply some of these things that you have written here. I hope I can be the wife that he needs me to be.
KTL
Wow! I am so encouraged and very thankful for this article. I'm 28 yrs. old and been married for five years. Things get rough sometimes but this story has let me know of more power that I have to continue to make my marriage beautiful. Prayer and my actions alone I know now can make my marriage what God wants it to be. Thank You
RN
I'm not married yet, but this article has really encouraged me as I look forward to getting married someday. I know marriage calls for hardwork, but the way it has been presented here makes me want to engage in that hardwork because it not only sounds enjoyable, but also helpful in my personal growth as a born-again Christian. I believe that the closest person to you would give the most true testimony about what kind of a Christian you are, and I think that's what this article is all about-living the scripture through your spouse. Blessings and guidance to the writer and all Christian married couples.
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