Married ... but Lonely
Average Rating: 
[9 Comments]
"I thought I'd lost it," said Billie, a wife of eight years. "I was in the grocery store check-out line. The man in front of me glanced back and smiled. He looked so kind. I had an overwhelming impulse to ask him to hug me. When I got to my car, I burst into tears. I finally had to admit how lonely I felt."
"I'm tired of feeling alone," Diane, who's been married 14 years, commented. "My husband, Ben, is into everything. He has a ball game or a meeting nearly every night. If he's home he's on the phone talking over strategies for the next game or meeting. He has time for everyone except me."
"If friends and colleagues were enough," Kim, a wife of 10 years, complained, "I wouldn't have married. I want a husband. I want someone who's with me, who can share my life on a daily basis."
No one expects it to happen. Marriage is supposed to prevent loneliness, isn't it? Unfortunately, it doesn't.
In our work with couples we've frequently heard the same kind of complaint: "I'm married, but I'm lonely." We all crave the physical and emotional intimacy of a spouse who's really there for us. When this doesn't happen, frustration, hurt, and anger mingle with feelings of betrayal. "What's the point of being married," as Billie put it, "if you have to go looking when you need someone?" And the longer those feelings of loneliness exist, the stronger the possibility that a spouse will look outside the marriage for support, affection, companionship, and love.
What are some ways to battle marital loneliness?
Analyze your situation
If you're feeling lonely, ask yourself:
- What's going on in my marriage that makes me feel lonely?
- Is this a short-term situation I can live with or a long-term situation that needs to change?
- Answering these questions can save you from falling into several traps.
(1) Blaming yourself. Both Billie and Diane initially felt guilty about their loneliness. Billie was certain that her painful loneliness meant that she had somehow failed. And Diane felt like an ingrate when she complained about a husband who was faithful, family-oriented, and involved in worthy activities. She thought she needed to change the way she felt. But her feelings weren't the problem; they were a signal that she needed to change her circumstances.
(2) Blaming your spouse. Billie blamed Steve for being self-absorbed and cutting her out of his life. Yet she missed the real source of his behavior—depression rooted in a business venture at the edge of failure. In this case blaming didn't help the situation.
(3) Thinking your marriage is doomed or at least condemned to mediocrity. Such thinking only deflects you from the task of finding a workable solution.
Create an action list
Answer these questions:
- What changes would alleviate my loneliness?
- What can I do, and what can my spouse do, to bring about these changes?
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2009, Web-only
Related Topics:
Companionship, Intimacy, Loneliness
More from Jeanette and Robert Lauer:
Kyria.com | Books
Join the Kyria.com Community!
Become a member to have access to the following:
- Full access to the bimonthly Kyria digizine, each issue focusing on a spiritual discipline or theme
- 50 percent discount on all of the downloadable resources in the Kyria Store
- Hundreds of members-only articles for thoughtful, influential women
downloadable guides
Sabbath Rest in a World of Stress
Practical insights for how to live a life that honors the spirit of Sabbath-rest.
The Mentoring Series: Nancy Ortberg
Discover leadership principles from a well-known author and respected leader.Browse More Guides
back to top
Average User Rating:
Displaying 1–5 of 9 comments
See all comments
Joni
Unfortunately men/women who abuse their mates physically or psychologically probably don't attend church. These people tend not to be people who live by the of "Do unto others, as you would expect others to do unto you". I grew up with an abusive father, the liquor turned that man into a virtual demon. My poor mother ended up with brain damage from being hit so often. She only stayed because of lack of education, and poor wages for women back then. Two of my 4 brothers became wife abusers, a learned habit. These men need to be re-educated as to how to treat the one you love. There is no excuse for physical nor emotional abuse... EVER!!! The liquor is the DEMON, and the illness it gives to people.
wendt wilson
oh i am in the same boat, a very lonely married women. My husband payh me no mine, he dont hold me, kiss me or sex me, i dont know what to do, can you tell me?
tired of being lonely
I agree too. My husband has a day job that is very demanding, so when he comes home he is very tired. But lately, he spends MORE to himself - in the morning before work and evenings when he gets home, with his ministry- music. He does it every single day, no matter how tired he is, and for as long as he can. He won't let up, like he used to. I'm shut out. Afterwards, we spend some time together, but he is totally exhausted - not much left for me/us. I have hobbies too, and a demanding job as well, but I cherish our time together. I wouldn't want to do anything that would wear me out to the point where I could not enjoy him, so I manage my time, being careful not to diminish our time together. I am happy that he doesn't totally ignore me, but I miss the time we used to share and the closeness we had. He used to try to balance everything - but no more. I can't say anything - he gets mad. I pray about it,and try to accept it, because he will not discuss our relationship.
funsooner5559
I was in a relation with the one that I was going to spend the rest of my life with but i don't think I,ve ever been so along. It is one thing to be alone but to be with someone and be alone is the hardest thing a person can do.
total
unfortunately there is no accountablity of men. Society has taught us to just keep our mouth shut and not share your hurt and pain. I tell you this is man's law. When is the church going to do their job about abusive men/women.
Rate & Comment on this article *