The Danger of Marriage Books
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When you first become a parent, you notice the 4,300 ways your child could meet an untimely death. Every package of wipes, every jar of baby food, and all toys carry some kind of ominous warning label.
If you took all the warnings seriously, you'd put your child in a hyperbaric chamber and wait till they grow up.
But now with three children and one on the way, I'm a hardened skeptic when it comes to warnings. At this point, if the kid isn't guzzling CLR, we're figuring he's okay.
But while I eschew the lawsuit-ready labels on my children's toys, I'm wondering if the Federal Trade Commission should look at another prominent product in our home: marriage books.
Not because Gary Chapman and Kevin Lehman and the Raineys are dispensing damaging information. It's because they are giving great advice I'm often tempted to misuse.
I'm the Expert.
I like to read a lot of books. I like to read books on marriage and family and relationships and leadership. As a pastor, it's actually part of my job. As a husband and father, well, it's just a good idea.
My wife, Angela, on the other hand, is busy raising three young children, cooking five-star meals, cleaning up after me, and making sure our house doesn't fall in. She doesn't have much time to kick back and enjoy the latest marriage tome.
So I do the reading for both of us. That's good, except my internal marriage meter tends to take good advice and fashion it into an effective weapon against Angela.
In fact, there isn't a more dangerous man in the world than me after polishing off the latest marriage bestseller. I'm particularly apt at focusing in on my own unmet needs and diagnosing Angela's inefficiency in meeting them.
Take Love and Respect, the classic by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. I loved that book, because it offered me great insight into the very real differences between men and women. Men, I realized, are not the thick-skinned Rambos we portray. We're really fragile souls with engines that run on respect.
But I conveniently missed the first part of this book. That whole "love" part. After downloading such great spiritual insight from Dr. Eggerichs on the "respect" part, I began a not-so-stealth mission to extract more respect from my wife.
I'm finding that this "respect" card is a handy tool. Especially when delivered in the pious tone of someone who is now an expert, having just finished the latest marriage book. A book Angela didn't read.
The message I was sending to Angela was simple: I'm the expert at marriage. I'm the noble one who's actually seeking personal growth. What's your problem?
I actually convinced myself that the real problem in our marriage wasn't my selfishness, inattentiveness, or tendency to shrink from leadership. It was her lack of giving me the respect I was due!
I'm discovering that this marital blame-shifting isn't unique to me. It goes all the way back to the first man, Adam. There he stood before God, his sin exposed. Yet his answer was something you could cut and paste from a typical husband's heart. God, this woman. She's the problem. I'm the good one here. Don't you see?
Related Topics:
Advice, Attitude, Communication, Humility
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EDK EDK
Thank you, Pastor Darling, for your insight into marriage. Christian couples who've been married for many years have so much wisdom to offer those entering, considering, praying for the marriage state.
Jody
Romans 5:8 states this very well. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (NIV)
Norm
Thanks for the warning. I started wanting my wife to change after the birth of our second child. It took another 35 years before I realised the prayer I needed to pray was "Father, make me the lover my wife needs. Teach me how to love her the way you want her loved." Several shared marriage advie books later I have the wife I longed for and she asks me what I did to her husband. Thank's Jesus.
Mary Brown(Registered User)
Thank you for the article, Daniel. I got what you are trying to tell us. It is a long-standing habit with me to read the Bible and other books with an eye for what God wants to tell me, but I get the feeling not everyone does it that way. I am fortunate to have a spouse who has time to read some books along with me, and likes to discuss them. I would hope if I needed to read for both of us that I would tell him what I needed to do along with what he might want to do. Actually, I read "Love and Respect" with a girlfriend and I don't think he read it then, but I remember telling him key points and having dialog about it with him. Marriage and other self improvement books are a big part of why we are the people we are today with the marriage we have after 20+ years. We're starting "Trading Places" by Les & Leslie Parrot now. So many great books, so little time.
Holly
Daniel, as I writer, I know the urge to defend myself when someone is critical. But I don't think getting defensive and fighting back is the right thing to do. Everybody has a right to their own opinions. Having said that, I do agree that your article is not about dissing marriage books, but revealing how you had, in the past, tended to misuse them. The main point I see here is that we should look to our own imperfections and ask God to help us with them, not focus on our spouse's shortcomings.
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