Growing Apart Is a Myth
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Rich and I have a good marriage. Yeah, we fight occasionally like anyone else, but we readily admit we're soul mates. The Holy Spirit brought us together. Most everyone around us recognizes it—even a United flight attendant, who remarked how much fun we seemed to be having as a couple.
That's all dandy, right? Well, sure, as long as your friends are in the same boat. Unfortunately, some of our couple friends are not only in a different boat, they're in a completely opposite mode of transportation. Race cars heading for a wall come to mind, or airplanes sputtering gasless, trying to make it to the runway.
Of course Rich and I try to set a good example about marriage, but after awhile I start to feel like I'm flaunting my good "fortune" in front of our friends who are struggling. I sense myself giving Rich less affection when we're with these troubled couples, and I try to limit my talk of our duo-driven life. Still, friends ask in confidence what they should do about their failing marriages. What am I to answer? "Go back 20 years and marry someone else"? Not likely.
Instead, my stock response has been: "Do you have something to get back to?" By that, I mean was there a time in the marriage that the person truly was fulfilled? If so, what was going on then? And more important, can the couple return to those activities or somehow bring their lives back to those patterns?
For example, one friend was lamenting to me what she saw as the coming end of her marriage. "We just don't have anything in common anymore," Gwen said. "I was a different person 15 years ago. I've changed, and Tim hasn't changed with me."
Granted, Gwen had gone from being a politically conservative schoolteacher to a radically liberal college professor while Tim had retained his conservative stance. But I still saw the same sports-loving, outdoorsy Gwen who had found her match in Tim during their senior year of college.
"Do you have something to get back to?" I asked her.
She thought for a moment. Her eyes filled as she said, "You know, I think we do. Our first years in that little apartment …we were so happy."
"What did you do then?"
"We went on walks a lot," she recounted. "We cooked together. We played with our dog. We talked." She paused. "Wow, I'd forgotten how much we used to talk. I've been spending so much time thinking about the space between us that I'd forgotten all of that."
"Don't you think you might be able to recapture some of it?"
Gwen nodded hesitantly. "Yes," she said in a near whisper. "I just don't know where to start. Three kids don't make it easy to find the time …"
Her voice trailed off but I saw a glimmer of determination in Gwen's eyes. A lunch that had started with her revealing to me she was considering filing for divorce ended with a reconsideration. Were she and her husband so far apart that they couldn't reconnect?
Related Topics:
Honor, Partnership, Respect
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Vickie
Chi~ I too have been married to a cheater and I have not cheated on him simply because I have experienced what happens when retaliation is the motive. You both have to want the marriage to work and are willing to work to heal it. That is the first question your pastor or counselor will ask. You can't fix it by yourself so you will definately need God and Jesus as your center. If he is not of Christ then praying for his salvation would top of my list. Pray that Jesus brings conviction on his heart. If he is and has back slidden I am certain the Lord will bring him to brokeness. Time is of essence here. How much time you are willing to invest? Are there children involved? If you love him fight for him through intercession prayer. Ask the Lord to place of hedge of warrior angels around your family and marriage. Do you remember the story of Jericho? In any case lay this marriage at the foot of the Throne of God and allow the Lord to lead.
chi
I have a husband who has repeatedly cheated on me, but i am a christian and he is not. I stayed married to him for 11 years. Do i stay married to him, with all the diseases around.
SeaScape
"Do not conform to the world..." That is the problem. People are swayed by the media bombardment of false ethics (Hollywood). If the going gets tough...move on. Vows are NOT regarded as "holy." Only a very few kids in our kids' schools have original parents. This will have a domino-effect. It's absolutely terrible. Satan knows he can break societies by breaking the families. Ephesians 2:2 - - **Wherein in time past ye walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience** Christians should NOT be following Satan, they should NOT be divorcing at all.
Mary Brown(Registered User)
I think some of what's happening (Paul) is an ongoing attack on marriage and family. The enemy knows that a good way to sidetrack and disillusion a Christian from doing what God wants him/her to do is to mess with their family. Part of the agenda is media bombardment with lies about everything we value. We don't have a "Christian society" now. In fact, much of our society is very anti Christian. It's a war--a spiritual battle. Paul told us about it in Ephesians 6:10-18. We all need to put on the armor God has provided and fight and pray for our marriages and children and churches--and society.
@ Anonymous
In reference to Anonymous, unfortunately the answer is already on this board. Seek first Christ and the rest truly does follow suit. When Christ is the center of not only your world but your partners as well, your whole perspective on life changes. I challenge you to read 1 John everyday for a month. Read it first thing in the morning or late at night. It'll only take 15-20 min tops, so make the time for it. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal his truth to you before you read it. I shall pray for your marriage.
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