Q & A

Generic Gift-Giver, Irksome Mother-in-Law and a Man Who Prays Alone

Jay Kesler

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Q: My husband is the king of last-minute gift shoppers, and every Christmas I find that I have to struggle past hurt feelings to feel thankful for the things he chooses. The gifts are nice, but they're things any woman could receive—perfume, slippers, bath oils—not things that show he really knows me. I know he's busy, but would it kill him to make more of an effort?

A: This is one of those "Mars and Venus" subjects. Hard as it is for women to believe, it's true that most men don't know what to buy their wives. The reason you end up with perfumes and bath oils is that those things seem feminine and expensive—and because that's what the sales clerk suggests to your husband, who may very well be feeling "mall panic."

I know you feel taken for granted, but try not to link his shopping ineptitude with his appreciation for you. You say he's not stingy; that's a clue that he's trying in the only way he knows how to give you something meaningful.

As much as you hate to do it, you'll have to drop hints—and not too subtly either. It somewhat defeats the purpose, since you want him to be creative on his own. But if you get him started in the right direction, perhaps he'll catch on. Dream out loud, specifically: "I'd really, really like a getaway weekend at a bed-and-breakfast at the lake; it would make a good present sometime." "That garnet necklace is stunning, but it's beyond our everyday budget. Honey, maybe some holiday or birthday you could surprise me with something like that" (mark the catalog and give it to him). "More than any present, I'd like an evening out with you at a really nice restaurant." Or if you collect something, suggest that he find pieces that you don't already have.

Meanwhile, keep buying gifts for him that require the kind of creativity and spontaneity you're looking for. Maybe he'll notice, and your talent will rub off.

Q: My mother-in-law seems to have so much sway with my husband, more than I have sometimes. Recently we were considering a career move that would have taken us hundreds of miles away. My husband's mother told him, "What's really important to you, career or your family?" The guilt trip she laid on him made the decision for us. How can I tactfully tell her to back off?

A: You can't, so don't try. A friend once told me, "A word to the wise is unnecessary." The only person (besides herself) who can tell this woman anything might be your husband (her son). But even that could be a lose-lose scenario if your mother-in-law gets the idea that you're behind it. So don't have a conversation that could alienate the two of you for the rest of your marriage.

Another reason to avoid telling her off is that you don't want to force your husband into a painful choice. His loyalty to you could cause him either to distance himself from his family or to have to endure his mother's punishing remarks for years. He's bound to resent that wedge driven between you and his family and even resent you, who in some ways caused it.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1999, Winter

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