Breaking Free
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[0 Comment]Though we like to think it will never happen, most of us become a lot like our parents. We get jobs, we get married, then a few years pass and we begin to notice the frightening similarities. We keep a box of extra car keys under the bed just like Mom. We sort fall leaves into piles according to color, just like Dad. How long will it be before we're wearing black socks when we mow the lawn and sprinkling Beano on our taco salad?
Not that it's such a bad idea to imitate our parents—that's the way it's supposed to work. We rely on them to teach us how to be good husbands and wives; we take their best lessons and apply them to our own marriage. What happens, though, to children raised by distant, emotionally unhealthy or abusive parents?
Negative cycles aren't easy to escape. That's why we're devoting this special section to ways we can break free from the past. We begin with the story of Deborah and Robert Bell (this page), a couple who overcame childhood models of workaholism and alcoholism to build a healthy, Christ-honoring marriage.
Next we interview John Trent, Ph.D. (p. 39), who draws from personal experience and his expertise as a counselor to show how to begin a constructive cycle in your marriage. And finally, popular Christian author Philip Yancey (p. 41 - print copy only) examines the essential ingredients of true healing—the power of forgiveness and God's grace.
If you have noticed patterns that prevent you from enjoying a deeper bond in your marriage, we hope this special section will help you make a new start.
Leave the Past Behind
As children, Deborah and Robert Bell learned the wrong messages about family life. Still, there was hope.
by Jennifer Fleetwood
Growing up, Robert Bell* figured he had the perfect family. He knew his father spent too much time at work, leaving home before breakfast and returning well after dinner. But it was years before Robert understood that his dad had been a workaholic—driven at the job, isolated from his family and yet overly demanding too. Robert remembers showing his parents a report card with straight As and one B plus. His dad's only comment: "If you worked hard, you could bring up that B plus."
Robert never saw himself as a chip off the workaholic block. That's why it surprised him to find that he had picked up a few bad habits from his dad after all. As a busy executive, Robert demanded a lot of himself and his co-workers. But when he brought those high standards home—"tidying up" after Deborah or giving her "suggestions" about how she ought to write the family newsletter—he couldn't understand why it bothered her so much.
Only when their son was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder did Robert begin to face some facts. "Through the teaching at a Christian conference and the Holy Spirit working in my life," he says, "it became clear that I really had perfectionism and drivenness in me that was hurting people I cared about. My high expectations were making things harder for my family."
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1999, Fall
More from Jennifer Fleetwood:
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