Couple Counsel

Job-Hopping Husband, Spiritual Battle and Paranoid about Porn

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Q: I know my husband is smart and talented, but he can't seem to stick with a job. In the 11 years we've been married he's had six jobs, and we've moved four times. I sometimes feel like I'm married to a kid who can't decide what he wants to be when he grows up. I don't want to be a nag, but can I help my husband settle on one career so we can stay put?

A: It is, of course, conceivable that one man could end up in six bad job situations that were untenable or unfair. But considering the frequency, it would be good to investigate the real reasons behind your husband's job changes. It's great that you can see his talents—your husband needs exactly that kind of support. But your mate's co-workers and bosses, who don't love him as you do, may see things you're not aware of.

Several things could be causing your husband to experience career upheaval. First, incompetence. It could be that his job performance has failed to meet the standard.

A second possibility is that your husband is good at performing required tasks, but lacks the people skills that would make him a success. If that's the case, you can help him work on how he relates with others to succeed in an office environment.

A third reason that people tend to change jobs is boredom. Perhaps your husband is so competent and smart, and the jobs he's taking are so routine, that he reaches a point where he can't take it anymore.

Aptitude testing and vocational counseling can point a person toward more suitable work.

A fourth possibility is that your husband is a guy with a restless, "don't fence me in" spirit. Some people actually enjoy frequent moves.

No matter what the cause, your husband's job-changing pattern has gone on long enough. Talk with him seriously about these four possibilities. Also, consider spending some time and money on aptitude testing and vocational counseling that could point him toward work that would suit his personality and skills. When you talk about this, include yourself in the solution, so your discussion will feel less threatening to your husband: "Let's get some professional assistance to figure out what we can do to help make us more satisfied."

Q: I became a Christian soon after we got married. My husband was pleased since he'd gotten saved as a teenager, but I'm much more excited about growing in my faith than he is. In fact, now that I'm trying to teach our children Christian beliefs and values, my husband thinks I'm too fanatical. It's a constant sore spot between us. What should I do?

A: You're in a tough, but unfortunately common, situation. There seem to be only two really tenable positions: either you believe in God or you don't. Intellectually speaking, being lukewarm on the matter of God makes no sense. It's foolishness to say, "I believe in God, but not enough to be interested in him or in what he wants for my life."

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1999, Fall

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