Q & A

Opposite-Sex Friends, a Hopeless Unromantic and a Controlling Husband

Jay Kesler

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Q. My husband and I are happily married, so is it all right for us to have opposite-sex friends? Before I married, my best friend was a guy. He's married now too, but we see each other sometimes just to catch up. My husband is also friends with one of the women he works with. We've gotten together as couples with her and her husband, but mostly my husband and this woman enjoy camaraderie on the job. My mom says we're playing with fire. Why should these friendships threaten our marriage?

A. Understanding that there are exceptions and that every situation is unique, I agree with your mom: to some degree, you are playing with fire. Here's why I come down on the cautionary side of this question, even if it seems strict to you.

For starters, you see your friendship as just you and your friend. But there's a third player—the tempter himself, the enemy—who'd be happy to see your marriage threatened. Where you wouldn't intentionally stray, the devil would love to plant seeds of temptation.

The other danger is that there are usually unacknowledged "sparks" between opposite-sex friends. This isn't a problem as long as those sparks are never fanned into flame. When older folks lose a spouse, they often marry someone who's been a friend for years. The sparks were there all along, of course. It takes honesty and self-discipline to make sure those sparks don't become a fire.

You see your opposite-sex friendship as just you and your friend. But I know there's a third player—the tempter himself.

So you need to work some things out for yourself—being honest before God about what your opposite-sex friendship is really about. Is it truly innocent? Is there some need for attention or affection being met there that would more appropriately be met by your spouse? How honest can you be with yourself, your spouse and your friend? If you're going to maintain this friendship, there can't be any hidden agendas.

If you plan to continue the friendship, you need some ground rules: you and your friend won't meet alone. You won't meet for extended periods of time. You'll keep your conversation from becoming too intimate. You'll broaden the friendship to include your spouse and your friend's spouse and get together as families.

Obviously, in this modern world, it's natural for there to be on-the-job camaraderie between men and women who work together. But it's crucial to maintain a professional relationship, avoiding any intimacies that could compete with marital intimacy.

So strive for honesty with yourself and with God. And be careful.

Q. My wife is a hopeless romantic. She reads love stories and cries at Hallmark commercials. No matter what I do I can't help feeling I'm a big disappointment to her. There's no way I can live up to the fantasy—that studly, ultra-sensitive hero she seems to want and expect. How can I get her to love me the way I am?

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1999, Summer

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