Q & A

Fearing Unfaithfulness, a 'Co-ed' Wife and Stepfamily Tensions

Jay Kesler

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Q. My husband and I have been married six years (it's his second marriage). Recently I joined a bowling league, and he freaked out. He wants me to drop out. When he was married the first time, he committed adultery with a woman in his bowling league. Why should I let his problem keep me from the recreation I really need?

A. Because of his past unfaithfulness, your husband knows how untrustworthy people can be. Now he reads his own shortcomings into you and the members of your bowling team. That is his problem. But since you're married, his insecurity becomes your problem as well. Perhaps you can help him rebuild his ability to believe that others can be truthful and trustworthy. Point out that you're not him and that your bowling team is not getting together for purposes of flirting or infidelity. (Unless, of course, your bowling league is a hotbed of affairs, in which case you don't belong in it!) Assure him that you will be faithful—and then do what you can to help him believe it. Ask him what might make him feel comfortable but still allow you to bowl, such as a promise that you'll come straight home after bowling. Introduce him to members of your league, or invite him to come along and watch. As he gets to know your friends, he may be less fearful. If you can, persuade him to join the league. Right now it's tough on you, but as time goes by and your husband gains confidence in your integrity, his fears should diminish.

Q. Two years ago my wife went back to college. I encouraged her to do it, of course, but it has had a devastating effect on our life together. Her excitement about school is tied up with her enjoyment of being out with young people. I feel like the kids and I are a drag to her. I'm lonely and scared that she'll leave us.

A. For every letter like yours, I get 50 with the opposite problem—a wife wondering why her husband wants to be out with the boys, in a softball league or hunting and fishing. It's common for women to be raising "boys" into men during the early years of their marriages. Right now, you've got the opposite problem, and you're right to worry about the dangers. A lot of college guys find excitement in confiding in an older woman—a friend who's experienced, someone to talk with about relationships. It appeals to the older woman too because it plays into her need for fun and attention, while capitalizing on her maternal instincts. The solution is not for your wife to stay a prisoner inside your home. It would be much better for you and the kids to participate in her school life as much as you can. Attend lectures with her once in a while; bring the kids to meet her after class. This will allow her college friends to see her as a married woman—not as a free agent. It will also help you see what her life is like. Maybe you'll find that her time away from home is actually spent on routine or tedious academic tasks, not the frivolous "good times" you're imagining. Meanwhile, if she has been enjoying the mild flirtations of her college classmates, it's more important than ever for you to give her your love and attention. Perhaps distance is growing between you as your wife is stimulated in the world of ideas and you're preoccupied with the daily logistics of everyday living. Try to connect with your wife's intellectual life. Read a book she's reading. Make a point of asking about the material covered in her classes and understanding what it's all about. Intellectual incompatibility is one of the great dividers of couples; it doesn't have to happen to you.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1999, Spring

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