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High levels of stress cause rats, and people, to turn on one another. Too many couples, when confronted with a stressful situation, fight each other rather than attack the problem. This is a formula for self-protection, a natural tendency often brought on by stress. But marriages suffer as a result.
The good news is we don't have to act like rats when we're under stress. We are living souls, made in God's image and moved by his Spirit. God has given us the capacity to reason, to express our emotions and hear those of our mate and to find meaning in the darkest corners of life.
The Power to Choose
When a college basketball team with a losing record comes from behind late in the game to beat a nationally ranked team, we see the effect of human will. In the newspaper the next morning, sports writers will talk about courage, perseverance and character. When an unheralded team faces seemingly impossible odds and comes out on top, we all take hope.
Coaches often refer to these incredible victories as defining moments—turning points that lead to additional success in the future. In this regard, marriage and college basketball have a lot in common. The crises life throws at us can be defining moments in marriage. Whether a stressful situation leads to defeat or contributes to future success begins with a choice.
Michael was in the kitchen putting away the dinner dishes when he heard the sound of grinding metal from outside. He rushed out the front door and immediately his stress level shot sky high. His son had left his bicycle in the driveway again, and Michael's wife, Diane, hadn't seen it before backing the van out of the garage. The bicycle was a tangle of twisted metal and broken spokes. The van had a scraped and dented fender and a punctured Michelin.
Michael was standing still, but he was anything but calm. Chemical messengers were racing through his blood stream as his autonomic nervous system sounded an alarm. In rapid sequence he experienced a jolting shock, a moment of disbelief, a trembling sensation inside and a surge of anger. In such a state, Michael could easily see himself launching an attack: "Justin! How many times have I told you not to leave your bike in the driveway? Why don't you ever listen? Diane! How could you forget to check before backing up?"
This was a defining moment. Bicycles can be replaced and vans can be repaired, but the damage caused by anger and impulsive words can take years to heal. Would Michael react like a rat and find someone to attack? Or would he stand as a partner with Diane, finding the strength and support that comes with teamwork?
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2000, Spring
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