Beat the Clock

She Said: "I need more sleep!"; He Said: "I miss my wife"

Amy Kirk

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Amy's side: I need more sleep!

When Chris and I began our friendship four years ago, we'd stay up all night talking, laughing, sharing stories, and getting to know each other. We'd barely realize what time it was until we'd notice the sun rising.

I have two children from my first marriage, so most of those all-night dates were every other weekend when the girls were with their father. This allowed me to get extra sleep the next day and be refreshed by the time the girls returned home on Sunday night.

Because our relationship was new and exciting, and these all-nighters happened only every other weekend, I never considered that there could be a problem in our future. While I'd explained to Chris that I needed a lot of sleep, it didn't pose a problem at that point in our relationship.

After we were married, Chris and I continued the all-night gab sessions. But I quickly discovered they weren't feasible on weekdays when the alarm went off at 7:00 A.M. for school and work.

I couldn't keep up with the late night pace we were setting! By the time I got home from work, made dinner, packed lunches, helped the girls with homework, and ran errands, I was wiped out, with no energy left for Chris.

I wanted to spend time with my husband. But how was I supposed to keep a job, manage a house, be a mom and a wife—all with little sleep?

Chris's side: I miss my wife

I'm a night owl who can get by with only a few hours of sleep. When we were dating, Amy had no trouble staying up. Those all-nighters were nothing new for me because my normal wind-down time isn't until 3:00 A.M. Once we were married, I realized what Amy meant when she'd told me repeatedly that she needed a lot of sleep.

We'd have our family time during dinner when we'd catch up on the day's events. But as soon as dinner was over, the chores and homework began, and everyone went their own ways. Amy would be burned out and ready for bed by 10:00—just when I was ready to start hanging out with her.

I was beginning to feel as though I was the same single man I was before I married this family—but now I was living in a house of sleeping females!

I have to admit, the cat stayed up with me—but that just wasn't the same! It was as if I had a wife only every other weekend when the girls were at their father's house. Even those weekends were changing. Amy would want to spend time alone reading or working on crafts, and once again, I was alone at midnight. This was a problem we needed to address—fast!

What Chris and Amy did

One night when the girls were away for the weekend, Chris approached Amy.

"I miss you," he confessed. "I feel as though I never get to see you anymore. There must be a way we can spend more time together and be sure you still get enough rest."

Amy admitted she shared Chris's concerns, and they spent the rest of the evening brainstorming ideas. Along the way, they intentionally tried to joke and tease about the situation to keep things light.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2004, Winter

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