I Was Unfaithful
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Two years ago, when I admitted to my husband, Bob, that I'd been unfaithful to him, I was prepared for every response except forgiveness.
For weeks I agonized about telling him the truth. The affair—a terrible, terrible mistake—was over; why did he need to know? Keeping it secret was best, I decided, but I wondered if my motivation was to spare Bob the pain or me the shame.
In the end, I had no choice: My emotions were a jumble of contradictions and wouldn't stay under wraps. Bob no longer believed me when I blamed my mood swings on PMS or my inability to return his hugs on my preoccupation with work. I had run out of lies.
At age forty-one, I was an unlikely candidate for an extramarital affair. Bob and I had been married for nineteen years and were active in our church. I'd just taken a job as a secretary in a large public relations firm in the hope of boosting our kids' college fund. Most of my friends already had found their way back to careers they'd put on hold when they married. For a long time I had envied their shop talk, expanding responsibilities, updated wardrobes, and the occasional splurges their salaries allowed. Now it's my turn, I thought.
Three days into my new job, I had my doubts. My skills were rusty, my confidence level nonexistent. After a couple of minutes in front of a computer screen, I wanted to wave a white flag and retreat home.
My supervisor quickly assigned Steve, the resident technology whiz, to bail me out. His duties included training new employees on the office information system, and he later joked that I was his greatest challenge. He recognized my insecurity and said all the right words of encouragement. He teased me just enough to help me relax, then proposed a crash course in data retrieval—whatever that was.
"Translation: Long hours and hard work," he cautioned. "But if you're willing, I'm willing."
He also was willing to schedule a couple Saturday morning sessions and reward my progress with follow-up lunches. He sent me funny messages via e-mail and insisted I respond so I could learn the right codes and commands. I eagerly participated in this silent dialogue and didn't stop several weeks later when his notes took on a decidedly personal tone.
He seemed to notice everything about me—my revamped hairstyle, a different cologne—and wasted no time in complimenting me. Although his attention set off internal warning signals, I ignored them. I was an adult, after all. I could halt our friendship any time it became uncomfortable.
On the surface, my marriage seemed strong enough to withstand any threat. For years Bob and I had enjoyed a warm, comfortable relationship short on spontaneity but long on commitment. I loved Bob and he loved me, and daily assurances came not in words but in our willingness to pitch in and share duties.
Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 1998, January/February, Vol. 20, Issue 1, Page 26
Related Topics:
Affair, forgiveness, Guilt, Infidelity, Unfaithfulness
More from Kathleen Malloy* as told to Holly G. Miller:
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Judith Stephens
Thank you for this article. Yes, everyone is vulnerable, both husbands and wives. As Christians, the Bible admonishes us to FLEE from youthful lust (not for young people but the kind of love that makes a so called responsible adult do stupid youthful things). I think there is no excuse. The sin shows our 'unabidingness' in the word of God and to our covenant. In my culture it is unheard of for a woman to commit adultery (whatever other people call it the Bible has a name for it). I thank God for the spirit of Hosea in your husband. I am facing a case like this as my husband has committed this sin, has been exposed but he has not even repented. Thank you for the affair recovery site. I will surely visit it and pray to have some respite for my broke heart.
Albert Kainessie Jur
You know God allows us to go through some undesirable experiences in life for a very simple reason: to humble us! The Bible says let him who thinks he is strong be careful lest he falls. The very thing you are so critical about others usually becomes a sneer for you. Thank God another marriage is saved because of the truth and willingness to speak out! Only the truth can set free Jn.8:32. A sinner is in the best place to confess his/her own sins because he/she alone knows how important it is to be forgiven. To my brother, Bravo! You have proven LOVE for you wife, family, and respect for the word of God. But please don't let her feel guilty anymore. Prove to her that you really meant forgiving her after all she is your beloved wife and love covers multitude of sins. I am sure she loves you too. Please do not forget to reevaluate your marriage as often as possible in order to avoid further intrusion of the enemy in your home. May the Lord bless your marriage.
susy ray
hhmmmmmmmm this is touching with a great lesson to we the your women,we indeed need more grace to remain under the canopy of the lord.its only with that that we can be victorious because these are challenges we face and see every day.Jesus will help us
Ven C
I am not cheating neither was I cheated in all the 13yrs of my marriage. I am no reason to think that any one of us will start to cheat even though i am not saying that we are made of steel. My contribution to this story is that in as much as people are explaining why they did what they did, I think there is too much justification and the guilty feeling that haunted you can fade away with time because they are natural feelings. Maybe if someone would say how they adressed the loneliness, the sexual unsatisfaction and lack of romance because if that hasn't been addressed then one will cheat again. The devil will soon be reminding you of the different sexual experiences between your husband and your cheating partner, for some reason the cheating partner most provides good sexual memories. The one reason that stopped me from cheating was my love for God and I was taught that once you taste another sexual partner, it might be difficult to repent completely (possible but extremely difficult
LC
I do not know why the author thought being 41 years old made her an unlikely candidate for an affair. This is an age when many people begin reevaluating their lives and trying to make up for what is missing by having affairs. Such thinking is an indicator something is wrong with the marriage. While no one should live in fear that his or her marriage is going to self-destruct, thinking one is immune from temptation that one's spouse is, is foolish.
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