Help for the Road Weary

A conversation with Elizabeth Hoekstra, author of Keeping Your Family Close: When Frequent Travel Pulls You Apart (Crossway)

Louise A. Ferrebee

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Are you more familiar with airline schedules than your child's soccer schedule? Does your suitcase stay in a corner of your bedroom rather than stashed in a closet? Then chances are you're one of the more than 40 million people who travel for work each year. And if you're used to stretches of single-parenting, then you're most likely the spouse who is left behind. While business travel is a growing reality, Elizabeth Hoekstra dispels the notion that your marriage has to suffer as a result.

What is the biggest mistake couples make when adjusting to one spouse's business travel?

People often view business travel as a curse instead of one aspect of their relationship. Marriage is like a skyscraper with each floor representing a specific aspect of the relationship. Jesus is the foundation. Beyond that are the sexual, emotional, parenting and financial aspects. And if your spouse travels frequently, there is the travel aspect.

Talking It Out

Developing a positive attitude toward business travel isn't easy. Elizabeth Hoekstra recommends completing these statements to prompt a discussion about how you feel, and why, when a travel separation is looming.

When we have to be apart due to business travel:

My top three negative emotions are …
My top three positive emotions are …
A word picture that describes how I feel is …
To waylay my negative emotions, I will chose to …

To prevent that dangling feeling, my husband and I read the same devotional book on the same days. We also stay in touch on a daily basis—by e-mail, fax or phone—whatever it takes. Even if Peter is traveling overseas, he adjusts his schedule to call us when we'll be awake. And I make it a point to be there when he calls so he doesn't get an answering machine.

One other thing: when we're on the phone, we avoid trigger subjects. Anything you fight about in person is going to be compounded on the phone, and it's unlikely you'll resolve it.

So couples need to accept travel as part of how their marriages are defined?

Exactly. Travel-related separations can be a threat to a marriage, but only if the issues involved aren't identified and addressed. If couples will accept travel as one aspect of their relationship, they can work through the emotions involved—guilt, fear, loneliness or resentment. Only then will the threat begin to be minimized.

It's natural to have negative feelings about travel. What can couples do to combat that tendency?

I live by the motto: "It's a matter of choice." If you choose to remain negative toward a mate's travel schedule, cynical feelings will trickle down and adversely affect all areas of your marriage. But you can choose to prevent that damage by addressing your feelings and working to preserve your marriage.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1998, Fall

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