Q & A

Cybertrust, Long-ago Betrayal and a Homebody Husband

Jay Kesler

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My wife insists on having the passwords to my online and e-mail services. This bothers me. Shouldn't she trust me?

Well, shouldn't you trust her? Marriage is all about mutuality. While you're trusting her with your e-mail passwords, she's trusting you to be the kind of man who would use those tools in pure ways.

You should be glad to offer this access to your wife, for your own protection if for no better reason. For my entire career, I've had my secretary or assistant open every piece of mail that comes across my desk—even if it's marked "personal and confidential." If there's something inappropriate being offered to me, I'm protected by this kind of transparency.

Areas that are 'his only' or 'hers only' are counterproductive to open trust.

At home I don't believe in locked drawers or areas that are only his or only hers. These points of holding back are counterproductive to open trust that works both ways in marriage.

If you feel resistant to sharing these passwords, ask yourself why. Are you tempted to become involved in secret relationships or some type of secret life? If so, the quicker you open that door and let the fresh air blow through, the better.

After seven years of marriage, my wife confessed that she'd had affairs before we married, even while we were engaged. I think she feels it happened so long ago that it shouldn't matter to me, but it really does. I feel angry and torn up inside, and I don't know how to forgive her. What should I do?

I hope your wife will give you time to work through your initial reactions, because these painful feelings of betrayal are somewhat beyond your control. But soon you'll be better able to approach this situation in light of Christ's teachings.

As horrible as it seems right now, this kind of damage becomes a proving ground. This is where you find out: are you or are you not a Christian? If you are, then at some point you accepted God's forgiveness for your own failings. Your wife has sinned against you, and unfaithfulness is a serious wrong. But any sin, whether we consider it insignificant or devastating, disqualifies us from God and puts us in need of his grace. The essence of Christianity is our ability to accept God's forgiveness and then offer it to others.

The Lord's Prayer teaches us to pray for forgiveness for ourselves as we forgive others. Jesus went on to say if we don't forgive those who sin against us, God won't forgive our sins (Matt. 6:14-15). So your wife expects you to forgive her. I'd encourage her, having confessed that she broke trust with you, also to confess that what she did was sin against you and against God. It seems that she has already repented, by turning away from the sin. Once she has confessed and repented, you are obligated to forgive her.

I know this is extremely difficult. But the only cure for the terrible feelings of betrayal and anger is to keep looking to Jesus in his purity on the cross. Ask yourself, "What in my life put him there? Should Jesus feel betrayed and angry at my sins?" Soon you'll be amazed at how you picture your marriage: two believers, who are both sinners, standing together at a level place at the foot of the cross. When that happens, you'll be able to embrace each other, offer forgiveness and experience restoration.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1998, Fall

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