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A Griefstricken Husband, When to Confess and a Deceptive Wife

Jay Kesler

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Our infant son died about two years ago. I suffered a breakdown, and my husband was wonderful and supportive through that time. He never felt the need to go to personal or group therapy with me. But now that I'm doing better, he's not. Grief seems to be making him at different times both depressed and angry. He doesn't want to see a counselor, and he doesn't want my help. What can I do?

All people who suffer a great loss do pass through the well-documented stages of grief, even in a fairly predictable pattern. But we do it with remarkably varied timing. It may have been easier for you if the two of you had gone through the stages of grief together. But that rarely happens. Individuals are too different. Actually, it's fairly characteristic for women to deal with the loss more immediately and for men to submerge the pain for a time.

Perhaps when your son died, your husband was glad for the chance to be strong for you. Maybe it gave him something to do, which most men look for when those we love are grieving. But pushing aside grief is like pushing a beachball under the water in a pool. It'll go down, but it'll resurface someplace else.

Time is not the healer, but healing takes time; so try to give your husband time. Stay as close as you can; be supportive and available. Pray for him. Empathize with him. Try not to take it personally when he lashes out in anger. He's choosing the riskier, lonelier and more painful route to healing by going through it stoically alone, but he will make it through the grief eventually.

For now, hang in there with him. But if he's still troubled a year from now, counseling would be in order.

My wife and I have enjoyed wonderful happiness during the four years we've been married. But two months ago, in a moment of stupidity and lust, I nearly cheated on her. I became so guilty during foreplay with this other woman that I stopped. I realized more than ever how much I love my wife. The question is: Should I tell her what happened? It might make me feel better, but it would hurt my wife and could damage our relationship.

I know you're feeling wretched and you're looking for some relief from the guilt and memories. First of all, get things right with God. Confess your unfaithfulness as a grievous sin. Perhaps you'll even want to confess it to a pastor or a trusted male friend, who might help you stay accountable in the future.

Next, be thankful you were able to "flee" temptation, as the Bible instructs. James 1:12 says, in essence, "Blessed is the man who resists temptation, because he'll receive the crown of life." You've learned an important lesson, although you learned it the hard way. And you escaped without forming a lasting attachment to this other woman, and without a pregnancy. In sinning with this woman, you have wronged her. I'd recommend contacting her—in a way that won't put you in a tempting situation—and ask for her forgiveness. But reiterate to her in no uncertain terms that the relationship is over.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1998, Spring

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