No More Mr. Mom
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[0 Comment]Kristie's Side: I can't do everything
When I married Patrick, I was rearing two boys from my previous marriage and working full-time.
Patrick had spent the majority of his life battling a rare type of cancer that had rendered him unable to hold down a typical 9 to 5 job. Meanwhile, my divorce pushed me to climb the corporate ladder, often forgoing the role of Mom for that of Provider. When Patrick and I married, I assumed my role wouldn't change. My job would provide a steady income and medical insurance. Patrick would enjoy hanging out with the boys, and with his flexible schedule at his part-time home business, he'd have time to do most of the household chores. What I thought was the perfect set-up, however, wasn't.
I'd often come home from work and discover I still had to do many of the chores! While I was frustrated, I had to remind myself that because of his illness, Patrick had little energy.
I ran out of patience, however, one afternoon when I called home 45 minutes after my son's school let out. My groggy husband answered the phone, and when I asked to speak to Taylor, Patrick told me Taylor wasn't home. "Where is he?" I asked.
"I don't know," Patrick said. He said he'd gone home to lie down for a moment since he wasn't feeling well after his radiation treatment. He'd fallen asleep and forgotten to pick up Taylor from school.
While I knew Patrick couldn't help it—he was battling cancer after all—there was still part of me that snapped. I know it was insensitive, and maybe I was just too used to having cancer be a constant part of our lives, but I didn't want that to be the excuse all the time.
I was upset by his lapse in judgment. After all, in my eyes Patrick had few responsibilities.
Patrick told me he'd find Taylor. He drove immediately to the school, where Taylor was still waiting, then called to let me know Taylor was safe. Once we'd calmed down, he admitted he was tired of being treated like "Mr. Mom."
Was he serious? He had it great—when he worked it was part-time at home, then he got to play with the boys while I sacrificed at a full-time, stress-filled job. I'd have gladly traded places with him. All I asked was that he help pick up around the house and take care of the boys. Was that so difficult?
Patrick's Side: I'm not just a to-do list
When Kristie and I first met, I was attracted to her ability to juggle a million tasks while simultaneously organizing everyone's life, including mine. After a few months of marriage, however, we fell into a routine of her expectations, and I began to feel unneeded and unappreciated. Part of the problem was that I owned a sculpting business that I operated out of our home. That allowed me the flexibility to be at doctor appointments and cancer treatments while contributing to the family income. Kristie perceived this flexibility as free time. It wasn't until that afternoon that I verbalized what I'd been feeling for months. While Kristie was at work every day, I was left doing the laundry and baby-sitting, while trying to recover and run a home business. The only time we talked during the day was when she'd call to give me another errand or chore. She never thanked me for what I did do around the house. I felt taken for granted.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2004, Fall
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