Q & A
Average Rating: 
[3 Comments]
Q- Since we purchased a business two years ago, it has consumed more and more of my husband's time. Six days a week he is gone by seven a.m. and doesn't return home until midnight or later. Our kids are growing up without him, and I am desperately lonely. Should I urge him to sell the business?
A- Before you suggest selling the business, consider some alternatives. For starters, realize that your husband is working hard to support his family and make the business succeed. Not all men take those responsibilities seriously. So as you discuss a solution, I hope you'll focus on the business—not your husband—as the problem.
To help reduce the number of hours he is away from home, perhaps you and your children could help out with the business. That would reduce your husband's work stress and also would give you more time together.
At the same time, your husband should seek advice from a fellow professional. Something's wrong if he is working 17 hours a day. Perhaps another businessman could offer insights that would increase efficiency and reduce your husband's workload. When I was a pastor, our staff helped match businessmen with others who were willing to review their organizations. On two occasions this saved the businessmen's marriages, mental health and livelihood.
Meanwhile, even though you're lonely, try to support your husband. Several years ago, an Air Force study determined why some military kids go bad while others do so well. The essential factor turned out to be how supportive the military spouse, usually a wife, was. When a mother was routinely positive, saying things like, "Well, Daddy's protecting the free world. Without Daddy poor people would be run over by irresponsible or evil people," her children, despite the regular absence of their father, were much more likely to turn out well.
Eventually your family may have to sell the business. But first, see if you and your husband can make it work by making some changes and seeking outside advice.
Q- My wife and I married ahead of schedule because we were expecting a baby. In working hard to be a good provider and father, I neglected to be a sensitive husband. Years ago my wife had a close male friend. He recently left his wife, and now my wife says she doesn't love me anymore. She says she and this other guy are only friends, but she admitted kissing him. Is it possible to save a marriage when only one spouse wants to see it work?
A- You can't make your wife stay with you, but you must make your best effort in the areas of repentance and changed behavior, and pray that the Holy Spirit will work in your wife's life. You're starting at the right place by acknowledging your past inattentiveness. Maybe you've also felt trapped, like you backed into marriage. Talk about these things with your wife, and seek her forgiveness.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1997, Winter
More from Jay Kesler :
Kyria.com | Books
Join the Kyria.com Community!
Become a member to have access to the following:
- Full access to the bimonthly Kyria digizine, each issue focusing on a spiritual discipline or theme
- 50 percent discount on all of the downloadable resources in the Kyria Store
- Hundreds of members-only articles for thoughtful, influential women
downloadable guides
Sabbath Rest in a World of Stress
Practical insights for how to live a life that honors the spirit of Sabbath-rest.
The Mentoring Series: Nancy Ortberg
Discover leadership principles from a well-known author and respected leader.Browse More Guides
back to top
Average User Rating:
Concerned
Re: Dilemma #2 - I'm concerned for the gentleman who feels that his wife is involved an affair or at least an inappropriate relationship with this man from her past. In my experience, the person who is contemplating having an affair is already finding fault with their spouse to help justify their involvement with another person outside their marriage and admitting further faults or groveling does little to change their minds. One of the best books I've read about this topic is "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson. Please don't heap more guilt and insecurity on someone who is already feeling poorly about themselves because of their spouse's choice to "solve" her issues with the marriage by having an affair. This man may well be feeling poorly about the marriage too but is NOT choosing to become involved with another marriage. The betraying spouse's boundaries and choices HAVE to be addressed before the marriage issues can be solved.
Friend
RE: Dilemma #3- How do you do this without breaking the commandment to "honor your mother and father so that it may be well with you?" Where do you draw the line?
PS
Re: Dilemma #3 - My husband and I have been down this road with our families. We walked the second mile with them until it was clear they saw nothing wrong with being toxic. Neither situation ended well when we attempted to set boundaries. IMHO if the in-laws in the above situation have been criticizing and belittling their daughter in law for 12 years, they're not likely to change. Does that mean the husband shouldn't follow the advice given? No - anything is worth one last shot. However, this couple should approach the situation with both eyes open and very low expectations. If the ILs respond positively, great, but if they respond with more of the same or worse, they shouldn't feel any guilt knowing they did the right thing and they can walk away with a clean conscience. Sadly, not everyone who claims to be Christian and/or family acts like it, and we are under no obligation to keep getting kicked in the teeth by those who betray their associations.
Rate & Comment on this article *