Red Alert!
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[1 Comment]Is your marriage headed toward lasting bliss or a breakup? For a clue to what the future might hold, look at how you and your spouse relate to each other. This quiz will help you identify any potentially destructive patterns that you need to start changing now, before they do permanent damage.
Circle one number after each statement to indicate how often you and your mate relate in that way.
1 = almost never
2 = once in a while
3 = frequently
1. Little arguments escalate into ugly fights with accusations, criticisms, name calling or bringing up past hurts.
1 2 3
2. My partner criticizes or belittles my opinions, feelings or desires.
1 2 3
3. My partner seems to view my words or actions more negatively than I mean them to be.
1 2 3
4. When we have a problem to solve, it is like we are on opposite teams.
1 2 3
5. I hold back from telling my spouse what I really think and feel.
1 2 3
6. I think seriously about what it would be like to be married to someone else.
1 2 3
7. I feel lonely in this relationship.
1 2 3
8. When we argue, one of us withdraws … that is, doesn't want to talk about it anymore or leaves the scene.
1 2 3
Total Score ______________
What Your Score Means
If you and your spouse both take this quiz, you may want to share your total scores. However, we don't advise sharing each individual response—especially your responses to question six. Doing so would invite trouble if you are struggling in this area. If you do share your reactions to the other statements, pick a time when you are both in a constructive mood and able to respond peacefully.
Green Light: Keep Cruisin'
If you scored 8 to 12, your relationship is probably in good, or even great, shape. But remember—relationships don't stand still. In the coming year, if you continue to nurture your marriage and build a deeper friendship, you'll have a happier, stronger relationship. However, you could head in the other direction if you fail to guard against the negative patterns of relating that are described in this quiz.
The best time to improve your communication and conflict-resolution skills is when things are going well. So use your positive motivation to make a great relationship even better. Read a book with your mate or attend a marriage-enrichment seminar together. Or consider having a "state of the union" talk about your marriage. Look for areas in your relationship that could use some extra attention, and keep investing in your marriage.
Yellow Light: Proceed with Caution
If you scored 13 to 17, you may very well be happy in your relationship. But a score in this range indicates patterns you shouldn't overlook. Make time to discuss what you can do to improve the way you relate to one another. Begin by identifying the areas where your marriage is on the right track. Next, look at the statements you ranked as "once in a while" or "frequently" and make plans to address those areas.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1997, Winter
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mary
I read this article with some apprehension because I've been in the red zone and we have been one of the few couples to make it apparently. However, the reason we were in the red zone was because of my husband's secret affairs. Now after becoming VERY educated about affairs I realize that my husband created and nurtured those red zone interactions between us so that he could emotionally and mentally justify his affairs to himself. My mistake was feeding into those red zone interactions. Keep in mind I knew nothing of the affairs at the time; only that he was NOT the man I had married. As I read this article all I could think of was this: red zone interactions can be an indicator of more than marital problems. Looking back at our timetable, those unhealthy interactions didn't begin until he made the slippery slope choices to follow his ego and become involved with other women. And I became his enemy. I hope this makes sense.
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