Q & A
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[1 Comment]Q—My husband and I fight constantly. When I express the hurt and anguish I am feeling, he starts defending himself. He also accuses me of mothering him. How can I communicate my hurt and anger without becoming more hurt and angry? And what can I do to get him to listen to me?
A—It's a common marital conflict for one spouse to want to talk about problems (the confronter) while the other prefers to avoid problems (the withdrawer). This often happens when opposites attract. People from two different backgrounds get married and then run into trouble in the area of communication.
It sounds like you're a confronter. It's likely that you grew up in a family where problems were brought out into the open and worked through. If your husband is a withdrawer, it may be that his family swept problems under the rug in the hope that time would take care of them.
As painful as this problem is, it is exactly the kind of relationship snag that a counselor can help you both get past—maybe in only a few sessions. So my initial advice is to get some help identifying your communication styles and learning to talk and listen in ways that work for both of you.
However, if you're not able to see a counselor together, you can still work on improving the communication with your husband. You say he feels like you're "mothering" him. Think about what that means. A mother checks up on a child because she lacks the confidence and trust that the child is mature enough to get things done. Whether or not you actually think your husband is trustworthy and mature, something (perhaps his own insecurity) is making him feel mothered.
In light of that, a good rule for communicating with your husband right now would be: a lot of affirmation, a little confrontation. If you can provide big assurances of your love for him and your trust in him, then give only small doses of criticism, you may find him more receptive to what you really are saying. He would understand that you are not attacking him or his competence, but that you just want to deal with a particular irritation or problem.
Eventually, as your husband feels less threatened and more assured of your confidence in him, he may be able to handle bigger doses of "reality"—talking about problems and your painful feelings.
Q—I love my husband, but he spends way too much money. I've thought about starting a savings account that he knows nothing about. I wouldn't do it so I could spend on myself, but just to help us save for the future. Would that be a betrayal of our trust?
A—As a long-term solution, keeping a hidden savings account would be a betrayal of your trust. Long term, you and your husband need to agree together on what you'll spend and what you'll save. So if he is willing to work on it with you, I'd recommend reading Answers to Your Family's Financial Questions by Larry Burkett (Focus on the Family) or Ron Blue's Master Your Money (Thomas Nelson). These books explain the value and importance of savings, from both a practical and a biblical standpoint.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1997, Fall
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Sister Susanne
HOPE for you. You must change to save yourself and the family biessed you with. Seek peace and comfort with your husband not lovers. What God has joined together let no one break apart
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