He Said, She Said
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He said: "She always wanted to be the boss."
Barry's Side:
When I married Karen, I was earning a living by shoeing horses and she was teaching school. In my experience of teachers, they always thought they knew everything. And Karen was no exception. Whenever she and I worked on a project, we usually ended up in a battle because she always knew the "right" way to do it.
When we were first married, Karen paid the bills. Her paycheck came once a month, and since I was self-employed, my money came in sporadically. Karen would pay bills until all the money was gone, and there we'd be—broke. We ended up shouting over it every month.
After moving into our own place, I planted some trees. Two were mulberry trees that needed yearly pruning. Karen told me her dad taught her everything there was to know about pruning trees and she would handle it. I went along with it because I didn't know much about pruning. Karen said, "You have to really cut mulberries back" as she hacked away at them. I indicated that I thought she was overdoing it.
"Oh no," she said. "Just wait and see." I waited three years for those trees to recover.
If there was an inefficient or difficult way to do something, that's the route Karen would take. When I'd try to tell her a better way (mine), she'd get angry and quit. I appreciated Karen wanting to help, but she couldn't take constructive criticism.
She said: "He always wanted to be the boss."
Karen's Side:
When I met Barry, I was captivated by the fact that he was a cowboy. I admired his uniqueness and all the things he knew about that I didn't. He taught me to dance the two-step, how to ride a horse, and how to tie a calf down for branding. I valued his strength of character and his fearlessness.
As a teacher, I enjoyed having a captive audience of kids who respected me and thought I knew everything. As soon as Barry and I got married, however, I found that he was not part of that audience.
When it came to the normal activities of life, such as paying bills, driving a car or doing yard work, Barry didn't like the way I did anything. He couldn't imagine why I kept paying bills until there was no more money left in the checking account, or why I would plan a meal without potatoes.
I've always been a strong-willed person, and I consider my own ways to be the best. The problem was that Barry thought his ways were best. I'd start to do something, and he would immediately tell me the way he thought I should do it. One day I was trying to surprise him by washing his car. But instead I was in for a surprise. Rather than being thrilled with the gesture, Barry told me the "right" way to wash a car. I got angry and threw the soapy cloth at him.
We couldn't work together on anything. It was a constant battle for leadership between two very domineering people.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1997, Fall
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Annie
This is a reply to Robyn. I think the term "boss" is not applied for the whole marriage, but for each tasks. I think there is no harm is being leaders for tasks, because even in our workplaces, Christians works as managers, team leaders. There is a difference between God being the boss of your life and marriage, and you being the boss or leader of tasks. Infact, this article talks about stewardship and Karen and Barry have found a good way to be good stewards of what they have.
Robyn
Great solution! But I feel the need to point out that both Karen and Barry need to acknowledge that NEITHER ONE of them is the boss. God is the boss of a Christ-centered marriage.
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