Q & A

Baby Battles,Married Strangers and a Man without Ambition

Jay Kesler

Average Rating: Not rated

[0 Comment]

There are no previous pages

1 of 3

Q - My wife had two children when I married her, and back then I agreed that our family was complete. But lately my desire for a child of my own has been growing. My wife feels angry and threatened when I talk about it. How can I get her to want another baby?

A - I can't advise you to do anything to get your wife to "want another baby." You can, of course, make it a matter of prayer that God might put that desire in her. But breaking your earlier agreement and forcing your wife into a parenting situation that she doesn't desire is a prescription for future trouble.

When you married, you knew your wife had two children. You accepted the "terms" back then, so why are you reneging on the agreement now? If you are feeling a sense of personal emptiness, or if there's an emptiness in your marriage, a child won't fill that gap. If anything, children exacerbate any existing marital problems.

Ask yourself, "Why do I feel incomplete?" Do you feel you have contributed less to your marriage because your wife brought in children, but you did not? Look for the roots of any feelings of inadequacy, impotence or poor self-esteem. Working on these is a better plan than trying to get your wife to change her mind about having a third child.

Then remember that your wife chose to marry you as you were. Enjoy that relationship, keep your promises and see what develops.

Q - My husband and I got married 11 years ago and immediately had four children in six years. Our kids are doing great, but we're not. I often feel overwhelmed, and I'm depressed about the distance in our relationship. Though I want to be close to my husband, I don't know where to begin. What should I do?

A - To begin with, let's agree that you are tired! Most couples are blindsided by fatigue and the effect it has on their relationship. But the fatigue is understandable. When couples marry, they begin the emotional, sexual and spiritual task of making two into one. At the same time, they are trying to get established financially in a difficult economy. Add to the mix pregnancy and childrearing—and all the nurturing and support that kids require—and it's no wonder a husband and wife have no energy left for their marriage.

And even if it seems like your relationship is hindered while everyone else is doing just fine, think again. Inside their homes, where you can't see, other couples are struggling with fatigue just as you are.

Now, what should you do? First, it's helpful to recognize the connection between fatigue and difficulties in your relationship. You're only human, after all, so lighten your load by cutting back on the stressors wherever you can. And remember that this time of life with young children is only one stage of your marriage.

Second, get a physical examination. I've known several women who felt overwhelmed and depressed, as you do. A doctor's exam showed that pregnancy and childbirth removed trace chemicals from their system that were never restored. When this chemical imbalance was corrected, their lives were changed.

next page... |

There are no previous pages

1 of 3

Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1997, Summer

More from Jay Kesler :
Kyria.com | Books

Join the Kyria.com Community!

Become a member to have access to the following:

Full access to the bimonthly Kyria digizine, each issue focusing on a spiritual discipline or theme
50 percent discount on all of the downloadable resources in the Kyria Store
Hundreds of members-only articles for thoughtful, influential women