He Said, She Said

He said: "She misses all the fun." She said: "He takes foolish risks."

Dan Sheard

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Dan's Side:
Years ago when Sue and I started dating, I noticed she always ordered vanilla ice cream with no sprinkles or nuts. When we became serious, I knew that Rum Raisin Dan was about to spend the rest of his life with Vanilla Sue.

The way we approach money is a good example. When I was single, I lived to see what I could do with what was in my bank account—if I even knew how much was in it. For me, money represents an opportunity for potential discoveries—not potential disasters. But Sue is different: She's genuinely overjoyed if the checkbook balances.

She's also more concerned than I am about the possible outcomes of certain activities. I believe gloom and doom notions squeeze the joy out of living. For instance, when the kids and I go to the sledding hill, I think, "Why just sit on the toboggan? Why not try it alone, standing up like a surfer?" So what if I fall off? At least I gave it a try.

Sue would prefer going to the beach together, with me sitting quietly on a big rock enjoying the sunset. I'd rather get out a mallet and a chisel and try to turn the rock into Michelangelo's David. Even if I smashed my thumb, I might create something we both enjoyed.

I felt Sue's realism was dampening our life, and I was determined to win her over to my adventuresome style. But that wasn't happening.

Sue's Side:
I'm a realist, so it's natural for me to spot potential dangers and possible losses. I slow down for yellow lights, and in the winter I reduce my speed on snow-covered roads. But my husband is just the opposite. Five years ago, we started a "maniac list," which gives each of us the right to note when the other is driving like a maniac. We've started volume two for Dan.

When I take our kids to the swimming pool, I hold them close and help them get used to the water gradually. Dan believes in the jump-in-all-at-once method.

His risk-taking approach even trickles down to our checkbook. For instance, he wanted to build a boat and said it would only cost a few hundred dollars. Maybe it's my training as a bookkeeper that makes me see life as full of unforeseen costs, but I doubted the accuracy of his cost estimate. And I was right. First it was a few hundred for fasteners. Next a motor. Then repairs on the motor.

Dan thinks it's fun to risk life and limb to venture into the unknown. One time while water skiing, he tried to put the tow rope on his foot like he did when he was 18. That night he alternated between writhing in pain and making jokes about having to limp through the remainder of our vacation. To me, his adventure wasn't worth the insomnia. But worse, his untempered optimism and risk-taking were making it difficult for me to trust him. It was time for us to find a balance between caution and adventure.

What Sue and Dan Did:
The Sheards realized that if they could balance their opposing perspectives on risk-taking, they'd cut down on their disagreements and keep resentment from gaining a foothold in their marriage.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1997, Summer

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