Q & A

Clashing Controllers, the Too-Social Drinker and an Affair to Forget

Jay Kesler

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Q: My wife and I are both Type-A personalities, and we've had a hard time living together without constantly arguing. We both want to be less demanding and controlling, but it seems impossible. Are there some concrete steps we can take to do better?

A: As I thought about your question, my mind went to Philippians 2:6-7, which talks about Christ: "Though he was God, he did not cling to his prerogatives as God's equal, but became a man and dwelt among us. And being a man he humbled himself and became a servant" (Phillips). The significant phrase here is "not clinging to his own prerogatives." Christ didn't insist on his own rights.

One of the central issues of the Christian faith is the need to shift the center of our life away from self in order to serve Christ and others. Turning your life and will over to Christ and deferring to him is a beginning point for learning to defer to others. A lot of the time, other people don't seem "worthy" of our deference. But as we learn to defer to Christ, then the deferential spirit—a spirit that can give in, that doesn't have to be first or even competitive—becomes easier.

Just recently I was listening to Garrison Keillor doing one of his skits on the radio. He and a woman were doing a modern love scene. The two characters were completely willful—each correcting the other, each trying to get the upper hand. It was humorous, but in a bittersweet way, because there was no resolution. Eventually, they had to agree that "we'll just have to live together as we are."

This situation is true of many couples who can't resolve their tug-of-war because they haven't been able to learn from Christ's example of humility. Among other things, being humble means putting a loved one's interests ahead of your own. This is good news for you and your wife: You both have the opportunity to learn from Christ's example and to live with the power of his Spirit.

Q: My wife and I have been married six years. Our marriage is great in every way except one: my wife's drinking. She drinks only occasionally; but when she does, she loses control and often does something embarrassing. She is normally shy, so her friends think she's great fun when she drinks. Since she doesn't drink all the time, I don't think she could be considered an alcoholic. But I worry about her, and I've turned into the official party pooper. Am I overreacting by wanting her to drop this habit?

A: Binge drinkers or borderline alcoholics often drink as your wife does. On the rare occasion when they do drink, they can't control it. People who aren't chronic drinkers don't see this as a problem, and they tend to deny the danger. You recognize the problem, and your reaction of concern and love is appropriate. But helping your wife see the danger in her drinking pattern will be a difficult task.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1997, Spring

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