Q & A
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[0 Comment]Q. My husband and I have a great marriage. Really, in five years of marriage, only one problem has been a perpetual struggle. While punctuality seems very important to me, my husband has no "internal clock". He wants to be on time, but he never is. I've tried just letting him be late—but it drives me crazy. It seems so disrespectful to others. I've tried helping him, but he reacts badly because I remind him of his overbearing mother. Besides, I hate nagging. We'd both like to see this problem resolved, but neither of us can find a solution.
A. You and your husband do have a great marriage. After five years, you have only one problem that's been a perpetual struggle—and it's a common personality difference that many couples encounter. Don't be discouraged; personality differences can become God-given opportunities for both of you to learn and grow.
You've already made two good discoveries. You've learned that what you've done so far hasn't worked, which puts you in a good position to try something new (since a good definition of crazy is "to find out what doesn't work and keep on doing it"). You've also learned what some people take years to learn: that nagging doesn't help. Here's our favorite definition of that unproductive pastime: "Nagging is like being nibbled to death by a duck."
So, instead of viewing your personality difference simply as a problem to solve, try to see it as an opportunity for growth, a chance to understand each other better, to increase your marital satisfaction, and to model to those around you the difference Christ can make in a relationship. After all, more important than the issue of being early or late is the challenge to handle your difference in a way that honors each other's uniqueness in the context of serving each other.
Here are a few practical suggestions. First, both you and your husband might want to read up on the subject of differences in marriage—both male and female differences and basic personality differences. It's easy to interpret your spouse's being late as thoughtlessness, laziness, and intentional disrespect. But more often than not, your spouse isn't trying to drive you crazy. Norm Wright and I (Gary) wrote a book called How to Bring Out the Best in Your Spouse; it might help you realize that some people are by nature more time- and schedule-conscious.
Next, you might try brainstorming, on paper, what each of you see as the implications of being late. How does being late affect your husband, yourself, your family, your friends? What does being late say to others about your respect, or lack of respect, for them? Is he comfortable with the negative messages being late can send? This could open up some good discussion.
Third, look for the exceptions. No one is late to everything all of the time. What's different when your husband is on time? For example, on days when he makes it to work on time, how is he motivating himself to get there? What is he doing on those days that could be put to use on other occasions?
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2000, Winter
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