We Both Had Affairs

Back from the Brink: A real-life story of a marriage in recovery

Gwendolyn Denvers

Average Rating: Not rated

[0 Comment]

There are no previous pages

1 of 3

We were the "perfect" young couple by all outward appearances. Tony and I met at college. We married in the late 1960s and had three children in the early 70s. We truly loved one another, had great Christian friends, and our lives revolved around church-based activities. During the initial year of our turbulence, we were both Bible study leaders, we worked with the youth in our church, and we served on a number of Christian committees.

It was in this environment that a (married) church friend began to flirt with me. I was very taken with this because he was financially and socially established, in stark contrast to my husband and me. We were in the midst of preschoolers, my husband's frequent business travel, and financial stress. Nothing was especially wrong with our marriage—even as I look back carefully I know that we loved each other—but it did lack romance (or time for romance). With three preschoolers and the busyness of life, Tony and I had become efficient roommates. Our relationship had lost its zing. So it was fun to be flirted with again. It made me feel worthwhile, cute, fun—something other than an unappreciated mother and roommate.

At the same time another couple we hung around was struggling with infertility. She began confiding her problems to us and (as I found out later) to Tony. She was younger and flirty and needy. Tony was drawn in; she made him feel handsome, manly, and desirable.

After playing with fire, we two "strong" Christian people who knew better, who knew it was wrong, independently began extramarital affairs. Though we were each praying that God would stop us, God is a God of free will and he allowed us to make our choices. Satan is truly the great counterfeiter.

Our marriage was still a good partnership arrangement, and we were both successful in living double lives. We weren't fighting or arguing any more than usual, but we both recognized that things weren't rich and full between us. I didn't spend time comparing Tony to him—life was too busy. When I wasn't taking time to be the "other woman," I had to move fast to keep up the wifely pretense and activities. Apparently, Tony did too. In our guilt, we became shorter with one another and more accusatory—even in jest. I remember almost being relieved when the phone would ring and then go dead—it wasn't him calling. I'd say jokingly, "It must have been your girlfriend." I never in a million years believed it actually was.

Jesus' comparison of us to dumb sheep is poignant. Looking back, I feel like a royally dumb sheep in so many ways. Questions of logic as well as emotions flood my mind as I try to rethink all of this. Where did we think this would go? Where did we think things would end? What on earth were we thinking? Were we just blind—and deaf—and dumb? Yes. All of that. We were two "smart," logical, faith-based people following the wiles of Satan blindly into the pit. We fell for the fun, appreciation, prideful attention, and the excitement. We were dumb in the dumbest way while appearing smart to the world and to each other. Neither of us realized the degree of the fire in the pit we were walking toward.

next page... |

There are no previous pages

1 of 3

Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2002, Spring

More from Gwendolyn Denvers:
Kyria.com | Books

Join the Kyria.com Community!

Become a member to have access to the following:

Full access to the bimonthly Kyria digizine, each issue focusing on a spiritual discipline or theme
50 percent discount on all of the downloadable resources in the Kyria Store
Hundreds of members-only articles for thoughtful, influential women