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[0 Comment]Q: My wife comes from a wealthy family, and every Christmas each adult family member spends scandalous amounts of money buying gifts for one another. On the other hand, my family is content to share inexpensive gifts. My wife and I earn a modest salary, but she thinks it's okay to exhaust our December budget on her family while spending a pittance on mine. What would you do if you were in my shoes?
A: Try again to talk with your wife, expressing yourself the way you have in this letter. Discuss with her what makes gift-giving meaningful. What does your wife feel is being accomplished by giving lavish gifts to members of her family? If she feels the gifts convey that she can "keep up," she is actually buying the gifts out of her own need to appear successful and not to meet the needs of her family.
She should realize that her relatives probably have a fair idea that those expensive gifts are too big a stretch for your family budget. They may feel embarrassed, or even a little guilty, over receiving the gifts. Scaling back on gift-giving might make them feel better, since they would know you were spending within your means.
Or it may be that your wife honestly feels these expensive gifts are the best way to show her relatives she loves them. If that's the case, help her brainstorm creative gift ideas that will demonstrate love without costing an arm and a leg—perhaps something handmade; a meaningful card or poem; or some unique, inexpensive item that shows you thought a lot about the recipient's interests or talents. Investing yourselves makes a gift far more meaningful than investing your limited cash.
Q: Before I got married 20 years ago, I was engaged to another woman. She broke it off because she wasn't ready to make a commitment. A few months ago this woman called me and said she still loves me. I told my wife about the conversation, but not about the inner turmoil I've been feeling. I keep thinking about all the "what ifs"—how my life would be different now if I had married the other woman. My marriage is good, but it could be much better. Now that my old girlfriend has shown up, I'm tempted to rethink my commitment to my wife. What's the answer?
A: The temptation you describe is one of the most common, the most subtle and the most dangerous that married people face. It has the potential to destroy your marriage and your happiness.
Everyone has opportunities to rethink major life decisions. But once you've made a decision that involves another person—and your relationship with God—no good can come from looking back. When you married, you entered into an unbreakable covenant with your wife and with God, and second-guessing can lead to serious sin.
When you think of your old girlfriend or feel tempted to turn your back on your marriage, turn your heart toward God instead. Thank him for the good opportunities and choices you had as a young person. And thank him for the choice you made to marry your wife.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1996, Winter
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