Clearing the Air

Walter and Thanne Wangerin saw turn their despair into a lifetime of fresh starts

Annette LaPlaca

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Walter and Thanne Wangerin do a lot of forgiving, but not nearly as much as they used to.

Years ago, Walter was consumed by the responsibilities of a demanding ministry; and Thanne wondered whether her husband even remembered he had a wife. One night Walter woke up in an empty bed. He went looking for Thanne, who was curled up on the sofa with tears streaming down her face. When he found her, all she said was "Don't touch me."

Thanne had been quietly withering, feeling abandoned by Walter as she cared for their four young children. She also was struggling to address the needs of their extended family. Meanwhile, Walter devoted longer hours to his work-failing to notice the burdens weighing down his wife. Until he found her that night on the sofa, so distraught she refused to be touched.

Thanne's anger and pain were deeply rooted, and Walter feared he had doomed their marriage to years of emptiness. But he began to set aside time and energy for his wife, and Thanne worked out a freeing balance in their life together. These efforts, along with the giving and receiving of forgiveness, made it possible for them to start over.

Today, after 28 years of marriage, the Wangerins find their life has been far from empty. A few years ago they moved to northern Indiana, where Walter is a professor and writer-in-residence at Valparaiso University. (His most recent book is The Book of God: The Bible as a Novel [Zondervan].) Now that their children are grown, Thanne plans to return to graduate school. In a recent interview, they shared the lessons they have learned about forgiveness and new beginnings.

The concept of two flawed people living in the same house for 50 years or more seems to necessitate a lot of forgiveness.

Thanne: A marriage can't exist without it.

Walter: Without forgiveness, sin will destroy a marriage. Forgiveness is daily renewal. It's like your blood-it keeps pumping through your body, picking up fresh oxygen and renewing every cell. If that renewal stops, death begins. Forgiveness is a marriage's lifeblood.

What do you mean, exactly, when you say "marriage's life-blood"?

Walter: A long-lasting marriage does not have a flat-line of growth. Trust and hope grow in spurts. It's like your relationship with God. Certain events-like the moment you became aware of your need for God and accepted his salvation-are so significant that they illuminate everything that follows. From then on, you understand your status as a person forgiven by God.

Likewise, the one "big" marital crisis Thanne and I faced created a lasting atmosphere of forgiveness in our marriage. She had so much to forgive me for and so much change to trust me for, her forgiveness was an obvious work of God's grace. That crisis shines on the rest of our marriage. It showed us God could do something even in that terrible moment of terrible emotion, so we never have to feel that hopeless again.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1996, Fall

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